Welcome Back

Happy New Year!
That's right. I'm back. Rather than go on and on about how I am glad to be writing again, and how I appreciate all of my loyal readers still giving a damn enough to check this blog in the hopeful anticipation of a new posting, I'm not going to make a big deal out of the fact that today is perhaps the most anticipated renewal of one-time classic since Hulk Hogan revived American Gladiators. Rather than make excuses about how busy I have been, that the fall is a tough time to blog, that I haven't been inspired by good material, that many of my co-writers haven't come through, I am simply going to say welcome back to the greatest 10 minutes of your day...

New Year's Resolutions
Did you know that 90% of Americans claim to make a New Year's resolution? Did you know that of that 90%, only 20% claim to follow through with their resolution for longer than one month? Did you know that I am making up statistics to make my New Year's resolution look either better or worse, depending on how it turns out? You see, if I ditch my resolution after about a month, it proves that I am just like the majority of Americans who cannot stick to a commitment. However, if I do make it beyond a month, it is further proof that I am sooooo much better than most people. I am going to go ahead and assume all of my readers are the type that actually follow their resolutions for longer than a month. This means that I am not better than you, but that the collective WE are much better than the rest of the non-resolution, non-f.a.r.-reading, Americans. WE are in the top 18% of the people in America. Unfortunately, that also means that only 18% of America reads this blog...or more dire yet, it means that there are only a possible 18% of Americans that do read this blog, and that of that 18%, only a small percentage is reading, in which case I should probably open my readership to people who don't make new year's resolutions....OR...you could all talk to your friends and encourage them to make it their new year's resolution to read this blog. That way, I am not only improving my readership, I am also making the world a better place, one entry at a time. This is a complicated scheme...not quite like a Ponzi scheme, but probably the blog-world's equivalent.

So what is my resolution? To post a new blog entry at least 2 times per week...AND, to add an additional writer very soon. So to recap: If I do not follow my new year's resolution, you and your friends cannot possibly follow yours, meaning I am single-handedly responsible for making the world a better, more resolution-following place. Challenging? Perhaps.

Binghamton College Welcomes NY's Biggest Loser
I'm sure a strong argument can be made for the purpose of the Boy Scouts. I'm sure that they teach lifelong lessons, promote good values, and are more than just the butt of a lot of jokes. Believe it or not, I myself was once a Cub Scout...kind of like the farm system for the Boy Scouts, where the cream of the boy scout crop rises to the top, only to make their way to the real world (middle school) where they are ridiculed until the realize that boy scouts are like the minor leagues for tech departments. Luckily, I never made it to the boy scouts. Sometime after I had to dress up as a lion and jump through fake hoops of fire at a mock circus for Cub Scouts, I realized that I was A) not boy scout material; B) heterosexual; and C) never going to attend Binghamton College.

Ok...so why the odd references to Binghamton, a school that to this point is known best for being the alma mater of ESPN's Tony Kornhieser? Well, the Binghamton Boy Scout club just landed their biggest recruit in decades. According to this article , a teenager from Long Island who undoubtedly wears glasses and believes that getting to third base with a girl has something to do with his kickball league, has just earned all 121 boy scout badges. Shawn Goldstein, the unnamed jerk-off is enrolled as a freshman at Binghamton. According to sources, Goldstein has a great chance to earn the unprecedented 122nd badge, awarded to the college student who can successfully get his ass-kicked for 100 straight days. Good luck, Goldie.

As the article states, he was pushed to achieve the feat by his grandmother, who unfortunately died before he finished. Note to Shawn: when your family members would rather die than see you accomplish this stupid feat, you should get the hint that you should have stopped back when you were a lowly Cub Scout building bird-feeders out of firewood.