Michigan's DNR = Yosemite Sam

Apparently, They Prefer Canadian Bacon
So I'm scrolling through a bunch of different websites today when I come to Michigan's conglomeration of local newspapers known as MLive. When the page loads, the first thing I see is this picture:

Expecting to read an article about a couple of real-life Pumbaa's that have escaped from a redneck zoo, I browse through the article in amazement as I learn that Southwest Michigan has a serious problem with feral pigs of European descent. The article is here, but I am going to highlight a few areas of hilarity below.

The crux of the story is that too few people in Michigan are shooting wild pigs when they see them. The Michigan DNR's official policy is "Shoot first, ask questions later." Let's take a look at a few key passages from the story...

The animals adapt easily to the wild, reproduce prolifically, and, as invasive species go, "this makes the emerald ash borer look like a bad hair day," said Patrick Rusz, director of wildlife programs for the nonprofit Michigan Wildlife Conservancy based near Lansing.

Can somebody please give me a rundown showing the ranking of pests in the natural environment and how the are analogous to everyday experiences of people in the real world? For instance, if the emerald ash borer is a bad hair day, what personal ailment relates to a swarm of locusts? What out there in mother nature is akin to a hangover after a night of Milwaukee's Best Ice and Mohawk Vodka?

Additionally, these beasts can reproduce prolifically?! What constitutes a prolific rate of reproduction? Do the Irish reproduce prolifically, or only if they are Irish Catholic?

On to the next section...

"I can't imagine a nastier animal," Rusz said. "Yet, this still is slipping under the public's radar."

What type of sheltered world is Mr Rusz living in where he cannot imagine a nastier animal? Ever hear of a barracuda? What about a wolverine? Did you mother forget to tell you about bears! Hell, I can think of a plant that is nastier...the venus fly trap! Additionally, Rusz doesn't intimate that he cannot name a nastier animal that actually exists, he leads us to believe that in his entire imagination, he cannot come up with anything worse than a pig that tears through farmlands? Ok readers....here is your challenge for the comment section: Describe, or even draw if you are so inclined, your imagined animal that is worse than a feral pig. I will compile the best descriptions and personally email the results to Mr. Rusz and his mother.

Next...

The DNR's advice is to shoot the pigs on sight, use a gun big enough to get the job done, and make the first shot count.

What kind of gun does the DNR suppose that people are carrying with them? Should I have a AK-47 in my satchel just in case I encounter a wild pig? In an effort to help the sagging auto industry, should Jeep come out with a new model that comes equipped with a bazooka that pops out of the hood? Amazing advice, really. Don't you think that if you were carrying a big enough gun, one shot would completely obliterate the animal?

And finally...

Feral pigs may be domestic or Eurasian breeds. At maturity, they can weigh up to 400 pounds, and usually sport tusks. The boars lead solitary, nomadic lives; sows and piglets travel in small groups. All can be short-tempered and territorial.

So, if I am reading this correctly, what we have here is an invasion of plus-sized pigs whose behavior resembles something between a hobo and a group of women on Black Friday. Disagree? Sows and piglets (read: mothers and daughters) traveling in small groups (read: out with their friends) that are short-tempered (read: short-tempered) and territorial (read: if you steal the toy I am looking for at 6am on the day after Thanksgiving, I will run you over with my shopping cart and pry the toy from your cold dead hands). Now...if the previously described action happens to be taking place at a Walmart or Big Lots store, I think we have hit the trifecta of plus-sized, hobos, and women! Eureka!

This turned out to be a few pretty good minutes of my life. Thank you MLive and the Kalamazoo for not only covering such riveting stories as the feral pig invasion (which, by the way, would be a great name for a punk band), but for finding such a story to be soooo incredible that it warrants inclusion on the homepage of your website for much of the day. Luckily, there is nothing more important going on in the state of Michigan....right?

P.S.
Don't forget to leave your animal creation in the comments...I am serious about emailing the DB who had such a rough childhood that he is scared of long-haired pigs.