The biggest sporting event taking place right now is not the NBA playoffs… it’s not the NHL Stanley Cup Championship… it’s the ultimate novelty “sports” competition… the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I use the term “sports” loosely. Since there is an epic debate over what qualifies as a sporting event, for the purpose of this blog, I will consider any event ESPN broadcasts as a sport. Moving on, this annual competition among adolescents serves as a reminder to the rest of the population how dense we are. I can’t even pronounce half of the contestant’s names yet alone spell the majority of the words used. Whereas most of us would say an animal looks bony or horny, these competitors would say it looked S-C-L-E-R-O-D-E-R-M-A-T-O-U-S.
Since I have no scientifically justifiable way of ranking the contestants I’ll use their names as a way to categorize and group their chances of winning…
The Divine Inspiration/Good Karma Group
It’s hard to bet against someone named Jackson Laurence Crist. You just get the feeling someone up there will be looking out for this kid. Seth D. Keller channels the first deafblind person to graduate college. Although spelling with water is not currently an acceptable spelling method at the competition it doesn’t hurt to have a Helen Keller connection.
The Unintentionally Funny Group
Would Willie Johnson, Cody Aoan Wang, and Bethany Dickey please report to the judge’s table? You have to believe that these kids will have something to prove. By having to deal with their humorous names all their lives they are sure to have a chip on their shoulder and fight back against the spelling world. Who would blame Anqi Dong, Emily Temple-Wood or Elyse Cox for wanting to be known for something other than their last names?
Bonus: How fun would it be to make headlines like “Wang Beats Dickey in Head to Head” or Johnson vs. Dong: Finals Tomorrow
The Degree of Difficulty Group
If you had to spell Avvinash Radakrishnan every day of your life wouldn’t you feel confident you can handle spelling W-A-M-P-U-M-P-E-A-G? When you name your child Maria Isabel Yirebatlya Kubabom you are basically signing them up for this competition at birth. Sathwik Katragadda, Sathiyan Sivakumaran, Nithin Nedumthakady and Shantuanu Vinayak Srivatsa are the rest of the chosen ones.
The Ironic Group
Sorry Brandon R Wise, your name makes you too cocky to win. I have a hunch that Corrine A. Yap will be told to shut it when she loses and complains of unfair treatment.
The Probably Winners/Losers Group
Not every prediction is based on instincts and common sense… Kavya Shivashankar and Sriram Hathwar are favored to win. Hathwar is the youngest competitor in the Bee history. At 8 years old and currently in the 2nd grade, this kid makes me feel embarrassed that my biggest skill when I was that old was being able to write in cursive. As for the instant loser, sorry Jake Smith but your common name will hold you back from the glory that comes with winning anything significant in life.
The only thing nerdier than being in this competition is watching and following it. I’m realizing this was a waste of time to write and for you to read, so I apologize. Here’s to doing something W-O-R-T-H-W-H-I-L-E!
3 comments:
brilliant first effort, near!
looking forward to much more!
sports are now defined by ESPN network? so we can include hot dog eating, billiards, bowling, what else? does the definition of sport include anything competitive then? because i don't see anything physical in spelling. if it is purely the competitive definition then i would say that picking up the hottest woman at a bar is a sport. what about holiday office decorating? my cube would win every year, but i don't know how exciting that footage would be.
ESPN, your definition sucks.
c, o, r...are you going to the mall later, that's what i was asking...
know what i'm sayin?
Post a Comment