A few different "time to call it quits" stories to start your work week...
Hey Fatso: According to this article on www.boston.com, a 44o-pound man was ejected from an Atlantic City casino because he smelled like a fridge full of rotten meat. After playing poker for 17 straight hours, the people at his table started complaining about his rancid stench. When he got up to go to the bathroom, he was kindly asked not to return. Moments later, he was escorted to the parking lot where he was hosed down by the local fire department, laughed at by skunks, and given a lifetime supply (1 bar) of soap. Ok, so I made that last part up...but, seriously. The guy had the audacity to ask for a free room at the casino so that he could go and freshen up. A free room? If you have been playing for 17 straight hours, you either A) have enough money to afford a room; B) have been winning enough that the casino offers to comp your room; or C) are drunk enough that they give you a nice little room called the drunk tank. In the last line of the article, the man insists that he would like an apology. How's this?: The whole world is sorry that you are so fat that 17 hours of inactivity causes you to smell like decomposing roadkill on a 95 degree day. Our bad.
Hey Fatso, Animal Division: In an article in USA Today, a 44 pound cat is in search of a home after it was left behind when its previous owners' home was foreclosed. The aptly named Princess Chunk has appeared on Live With Regis and Kelly in an effort to find a loving home.
Ok...so the owners of this cat couldn't afford to pay their mortgage, but they had enough money to continue to feed a forty-freakin-four pound cat?!? How's 'bout you take the Chunkster for a nice little ride into the country...I'm guessing it wouldn't starve! Home foreclosure is a serious topic, so I don't intend to rip on this family too much, but c'mon! Your cat is approaching a record weight and you keep feeding it like it is a slot machine occupied by a 440 pound man in an Atlantic City casino. Reality check, folks.
As for the cat...go on a diet. Must. Stop. Eating.
And Finally...: I think everyone reaches a time in their life where they decide that it is either time to call it quits, or stand up and stab a man over a few cans of Natural Light. In this story straight from the redneck-haven of Alabama, two drinking buddies got into a fight when one man gave his friend $10 to buy some beer. When the 37 year old man returned with 4 cans of Natural Light, his 64 year old friend was so angry that he stabbed man, sending him to a local hospital.
As a bit of advice to my readers, if you find that you are 64 years old and still drinking Natural Light, stab yourself. At the very least, class it up a little and go for the Natural Ice. Same shitty taste, but a higher alcohol content.
Hokay...that's all from me for today. I'm off to buy a case of Natural Light, and head home to pet my 44 pound cat while I play 17 hours of internet poker.
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2 comments:
it sounds like the 44 lb cat and 440lb man would make a great pair. the cat would keep stinky out of the casino because it would need to be fed more than once every 17 hours to maintain its chunk status and stinky has enough food to feed the cat since it's one tenth of how much he weighs. match made in fatso heaven!
I don't have a problem with any of the people/animals here. There’s nothing wrong with playing poker for 17 hours and smelling like "a fridge full of rotten meat" If someone where to play anything for 17 hours they should smell bad, in fact if they don't I would be disgusted at there lack of fridge full of rotten meat smell. I agree with the fact that he should have to pay for his own room. if they gave him a free room, then they would have every fat stinky man that plays in their casino try and get a free room, and that wouldn’t be profitable. In regards to the uh, large cat, I don't think the owners should be to blame. the cat food it was being feed probably had too high of a fat content, or an unclear serving size. if people blame McDonald's for making them fat, then I'm sure the same can be done with the cat food company. As of the story about Natural Ice, I wouldn't know anything about beer prices because I'm 18, but if the 37 year old man stole from the older guy he should be stabbed. Simple as that.
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