COPS Couldn't Script This Story

I received an email a few weeks ago from a friend who has a cousin that is a police officer in Texas. The following is a copy of an email sent by the officer, explaining his crazy night in Houston. It isn't my writing, but the story is too good to keep to myself. Enjoy!

*******Begin forwarded message*********

So,

The other night my partner and I were driving around looking to fight some crime when we saw that another police car was in the middle of a traffic stop about a block away. We drove by to make sure there weren't any problems and were then planning on resuming our hunt for criminals. As we got closer I saw one guy on the left hand sidewalk, a woman sitting on the curb on the rightside and a black female dwarf standing near the rear of the car the officers had pulled over. My partner, who apparently has a dwarf fixation, excitedly told me, 'Oh fuck yeah. We've got to stop and check this out dude.'

As I put our car into Park, I saw that one of my co-workers had his taser out and aimed at the driver of the car. My partner went to assist him getting the driver out and I handcuffed the guy that had been standing on the sidewalk. As I was searching my guy I guess the other officers handcuffed the dwarf with her hands behind her back, which I guess is incredibly painful for them due to their stunted arms, because she just started motherfucking all of us. She let us know that we were racist, that her uncle is the 'chief over all this shit' and would be hearing about the injustice we were inflicting on her and that, while she is an ardent Obama supporter, she doubted that we had cast our vote for him in the recent Texas Democratic primary.

Remembering a CSI episode I had seen that dealt in a roundabout way with dwarf anatomy (the episode mainly dealt with how easy they are to kill because of their skeletal deformities and not how to safely restrain one) I realized it was probably a mistake to handcuff her with her hands behind her back, so I asked her if she would like me to fix it so her hands could be in front. Of course she refused and I'm pretty sure she called me a name or two. But, I decided this would probably be the best way to shut her up so I did it anyway. This took away her primary complaint and she was quiet for a few minutes while we processed the scene and my partner and I found out what had happened before we stopped.

The other two officers had pulled this car over for some minor traffic violation and as they walked up the driver, who thought he was being sneaky, spit a small bag of powder cocaine out of the window, hoping that the police that pulled him over were blind, I guess. Also, the front passenger (the normal sized female sitting on the curb when we arrived) had her hand inside her shirt and appeared to be either scratching her left tit when the officers walked up or, more likely shoving something up her bra. So, the other officers detained everyone and made the mistake of handcuffing the loudest dwarf in Houston.

Now that we were all caught up on what had happened, we helped search the car and waited for a female officer to arrive so the normal sized woman could be searched. As we were waiting, the dwarf faked a fainting spell and fell to the street. I almost lost my composure at this point as I thought, 'My God. What choices did I make in life that caused me to be here, in shitville southeast Houston standing over an unconscious dwarf at 330 in the morning? At one point I could have worked a nice white collar office job with regular hours. How did I get so lucky?' Now, in addition to waiting for the female officer to arrive, we also had to wait for an ambulance to come out and check out our dwarf. The female officer, a rookie riding with a veteran officer, showed up first. I'm embarrassed to say the veteran officer acted like he had never been on a scene with an unconscious female dwarf laying in the middle of the street before. He made some comment like, 'Holy shit! What the fuck is that?' This got no reaction from the unconscious dwarfen victim of our racist police tactics and the shortcomings in our handcuffing training.

However, when he started calling her an 'Ooompah Looompah,' she miraculously awoke from her temporary coma and started motherfucking him. Since this officer was black she couldn't play the race card and resorted to calling him a homosexual whose mother didn't raise him to respect women. He replied that she wasn't a woman she was some sort of freak. They continued their ever downward spiralling exchange until the ambulance arrived. The paramedics asked her if she needed to go to the hospital and before she could reply, the veteran officer said, 'Fuck no she doesn't need to go to the hospital, she needs to go to the fucking circus!'

At that point my partner and I fled, hoping that none of the people involved will name us in the upcoming Internal Affiars investigation.

********End forwarded message**********

Aside from a little profanity, that may possibly be the best story ever written by someone other than me. Awesome.