Karma Favors Personal Hygiene

Circus Freaks Belong in a Circus

I briefly heard about a story last week involving a woman with ridiculously long fingernails. I didn't catch the rest of the story, but somehow I came across an article today explaining the plight of the woman pictured below.

I'm not sure if that picture describes the full stupidity of Ms. Lee Redmond. According to this article from USA Today, Ms. Redmond's fingernails reached a combined length of 28 feet. Aside from the obvious questions (ass-wiping, typing, etc.), the question of how in the hell can Pippy Long-fingers drive was answered recently. Although she suffered no life-threatening injuries in a car accident, she did break her grotesque nails that had been growing since 1979!

Let's take a little look at a few things that have come and gone since 1979:

• Pagers
• Gameboys
• VHS Tapes
• Heath Ledger
• let's stop there...

Is it not mind-boggling to think that Creepo-McLongFingers back-scratchers outlasted Heath Ledger?!?

Look lady, when even the Mormon church will not accept you because you look like you belong at a Star Trek convention, you have issues. I for one am glad that your nails are broken and that good ol' karma has given you a swift kick in the ass.

Enjoy your pseudo-fame, weirdo.

P.S. What else can be added to the list of items with a shorter shelf-life than her nails?

More Internet Fun

I gave you a few days break to continue the laugh-fest known as http://www.fmylife.com/ . Today, I am back with another piece of internet amusement.

A few weeks ago I was tipped off by a friend that CareerBuilder.com would be premiering a new service via a commercial during the Super Bowl. I watched with eager anticipation, thinking that I would be one of the select few who had already used the service that was about to be described for an audience of millions. But, alas, the game came and went without so much as a mention of the new product. Apparently, Career Builder could not determine how to market their new service and made the decision to wait until that knew exactly how to proceed. I have been waiting for a few weeks, thinking that it would eventually be released, but still.....nothing.

So, here it is....a sneak preview of a new website that will change your relationship with all of your co-workers. A website which will allow you to tell your boss that he/she had bad breath and an inability to lead a hungry group of flies to cow shit. A website that will let you anonymously tell the person in the next cubicle that they can stop listening to Creed like everyone else did 5 years ago. The new service is called Anonymous Tip Giver .

Take a few minutes and follow the link...it is well worth your time. I will assure you, you can type ANY message into the system and it will deliver it completely anonymously to any email address that you provide. As an alternative and also hilarious measure, you could also deliver a funny phone call to anyone you know, explaining anything you want....again, this cannot be traced!

Once Career Builder decides to go public with this, all hell is going to break loose in office building throughout the nation. Of course, if you are the type who enjoys seeing hell break loose, start creating havoc today!

FML

There is, perhaps, nothing more satisfying than taking delight in the misery of others. This type of personal enjoyment may sound a bit demented, but really, hearing about the misfortune of others generally has a positive effect on your day, right?! Look---it's not like I laugh at people to their faces or go around looking for horrible things that have happened to others just to make my day a little bit better....BUT, when the occasional story crosses my path regarding the overall suckiness (is that a word?) of someone's life, the corner of my mouth tilts up a bit, I stifle a small laugh, and my mind is torn asunder by thoughts of empathy (short-lived thoughts) and a resurgence of self-confidence, knowing that my life doesn't suck as badly as some other unlucky person's life.

To that end, today I was told about a website that is really worth 1000 laughs.

www.fmylife.com

The complete hilarity that fills this website really makes you laugh at the misery of others causing more than a little smirk. Seriously....I have been laughing out loud (lol for you 21st century kiddies) while scrolling through page after page of one-liners.

You will have to check out the site yourself to really get a feel for how utterly laughable the situations of others are on a daily basis. The website asks its readers to post a short blurb explaining why their life sucks, ending with the familiar retort, "F*** My Life".

Here is a small sampling of my favorites:

1. Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML
2. Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I shake hands with ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML
3. Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML
4. Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML
5. Today, I found FML for the first time in class, and literally laughed out loud in the middle of the lecture in front of 200 classmates. Today's lecture? The cruelties of slavery. FML

If I am late in learning about this website, I apologize for not being current. However, I do not apologize for bringing it back to the front of your mind.

As you read, please post your favorites as a comment....OR, as a bonus, let us know if you have your own to add to the list!

I should add that this website was brought to my attention by my most loyal of readers, and (hopefully) future contributor, eee!

Punctuation is for Losers

Aren't the British Cute?!?
Some time ago, I received a copy of a CD by group from New York who sounds like an English band called Vampire Weekend. While your first thought may be, "Who receives CD's anymore?", your second thought should be, "I should probably look into that band." Of course, if you are at least a little knowledgeable about music, you have likely already heard of them and either love them or hate them.

In any event, one of the better songs on the album asks the question, "Who gives a f*ck about an Oxford comma?" And isn't that a great question? I for one am in favor of the use of an Oxford comma. I think it makes a list look more complete.

Any who....the topic of this post really isn't about the Oxford comma. Rather, it is about this article in which a city in England has arbitrarily decided to end the use of the apostrophe. According the article, some of the apostrophes used in street signs are no longer accurate and confuse GPS systems. Additionally, they say this about the punctuation:

"More importantly, they confuse people. If I want to go to a restaurant, I don't want to have an A-level (high school diploma) in English to find it."

Very well then.

So let me get this straight....the country that is responsible for the OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY, a tool universally boned by grammarians and English majors everywhere, has a city that now believes that they shouldn't be confused by the simplest of punctuation marks?!?

The arguments are a bit laughable.

Argument #1: Apostrophes confuse a GPS? How in the name of King Henry can our civilization be responsible for a machine that uses m-f'n satellites to beam directions to and from anywhere in the world to a handheld and mobile device, AND YET, create the same machine without the ability to recognize a damn apostrophe?!? Perhaps this is not a problem with modern punctuation, but a problem with modern technology.

Argument #2: I shouldn't have to be smart to find a restaurant. Huh? If you cannot tell the difference between Connor's Fish and Chips and Connors Fish and Chips, you should be concerned about your level of education. Honestly! It does not at an English degree to read. I teach high school English...even my dumbest students can recognize and correctly use an apostrophe.

Pretty funny stuff. Those Brits continue to amaze, do they not?

I Hate You, Kyra Sedgwick

Background
I love Law and Order. I am a bit of a Law and Order junkie. I once explained to my wife that I love the show because it has both law and order. I don't just love the new episodes on Wednesday nights on NBC. I thoroughly enjoy watching old episodes that I have already watched. I love Arthur Branch, Lennie Briscoe, Adam Schiff, Lt. Van Buren, Ed Green, Serena Southerlyn...all of them...most especially Jack McCoy. I once vowed to vote for Fred Thompson for President of the United States just because I wanted out national anthem to change to the theme song from Law and Order.


At some point in my childhood, Law and Order reached syndication and began airing on TNT on an almost around the clock basis. If I turned on the tv at any time of the day, there was at least a 75% chance that Law and Order would be on. It was glorious.


The Hatred Begins
A couple of years ago while TNT was covering the NBA playoffs, I noticed that the promos for TNT ("We Know Drama") were filled with clips from an up-and-coming new show called "The Closer". Silly me...I imagine that the show would be about baseball. So gone were the promos for Law and Order, and replacing them were plugs for a show with a stupid name showing some dumb blonde from NYC trying to use a countrified accent in a show about law.


The commercials became so frequent that I already hated the show before it had aired its premiere. It was at this point that I started to hate the star of the show, Kyra Sedgwick.


The most notable part of Kyra Sedgwick is that she is married to Kevin Bacon. I wonder how many degrees of separation he would like to have after having to watch her dumb tv show?

I Hate You, Kyra Sedgwick and I Hope Fall Off a Cliff
Kyra Sedgwick once said, "It's an unattainable goal to be good at everything." What I think she meant to say was, "It's an unattainable goal for me to be good at anything."

On second thought, Kyra Sedgwick is good at a few things.
A list....

• Being ugly
• Having no talent
• Having a mouth bigger than the joker
• Using a fake accent
• 'Starring' on a show that sucks
• Having a stupid name (first and last)

In Conclusion
To me, Kyra Sedgwick is the single most annoying celebrity on the planet. No other women makes me cringe like Kyra. Hopefully, sometime around the NBA playoffs, some tv show will come around with a better looking star to replace 'The Closer'. Until then, I remain vigilant.

Hero on the Hudson

A Recap
A couple of weeks ago I posted about the plane crash in the Hudson River, mostly related to my utter hatred of birds. A few days ago, a friend sent me a link to a game inspired by the crash. Check it out...


Play Games at AddictingGames

The game is actually addicting (as the title of the website suggests) but it is missing one significant piece: BIRDS!

How much fun would this game be if it actually followed the plight of the pilot from the moment the plane took off?!? What if you had to fly through a gaggle of geese and then try to land the plane? The game does show the difficulty of landing the plane (obviously on a much smaller scale), but it doesn't raise your blood pressure to the level that the pilot experienced due to those damn Canadian terrorists.

For now, enjoy the game.

It's So Cold in the D

There are no words...
As I was driving into work today, my morning radio show was discussing the recent story about a man in Detroit who was found frozen in a block of ice at the bottom of an elevator shaft. While the details of that story are bizarre enough, the discussion turned to a recent YouTube sensation, T-Baby, and her musical hit "It's So Cold in the D"



Yes, T-Baby, it is cold in the D. Newsflash....it is cold everywhere. I know, I know, I know...you aren't just talking about the temperature. Life is hard in the D, but do you think that jobs are expanding nationwide? Instead of dumping our your gin and juice in front of your 8-year old son while asking "How the f*ck are we sposta keep peace?", perhaps you should spend a dollar on a newspaper and you would realize that it is pretty cold nationwide. And yet, only in Detroit would one make this video.

I don't even know where I am going with this. Like I said...no words. Incredible.