I am not trying to break my New Year's Resolution by not posting this week, I have just been under-the-weather and not really up to posting. In my down time, I have had the opportunity to watch a little tele....here are a random smattering of thoughts:
The Office
I am at the point with The Office where I absolutely love it, DVR it, can't wait to watch it, but know that it will all come crashing down sooner than anyone would like. I call this The Seinfeld Syndrome. The majority of Americans who were watching Seinfeld in the '90s can recall a moment where they were so enthralled by the show that they would literally stop their life to watch it every Thursday night. However, just when the show was at a peak, it was announced that it was ending. I am afraid that The Office will put us all in the same position. I don't know when it is going to end, but I know that it will at some point and I will be sad.
Now, about the show....
Even though Michael Scott is a totally inept boss, wouldn't you love to work for him? Also, to further the debate, Hilary Swank is not hot.
The Principal's Office
A colleague and future contributor to this blog introduced me to a show on Tru TV called The Principal's Office. The premise of the show is the daily life of high school principals and the hilarity they encounter. Completely worth your time on Thursday nights from 10-11 EST. Last night three students showed up to school dressed as gorillas. While most people would laugh and say that this type of thing is rare, real teachers know that this is the type of weird shit that we encounter all of the time. Seriously...watch it.
LOST
It's baaaaaack! After not watching the first four seasons while they were on, I decided to catch up by watching all four seasons during the break in time before season 5 began. It was entirely worth my time and I am completely hooked. The season premiere combined the perfect amount of clarity and confusion that has been present in every episode during the first four years. Just when I was thinking about how many characters were brought back for the premiere, it reminded my how many are still out there and how many new characters we will be sure to meet in the next two seasons before it ends. If you don't watch it, you probably need to start with season one and catch up...there is no way you can start in the middle.
Finally....
I know this post was a little boring. Sorry. I am still a bit ill and not and my normally creative self. If you never really think that I am creative, I am reeeeeaaaaalllly sorry; however, one might ask, "Why are you reading this anyway?"
I'll be back with some hilarity soon...
23 January 2009
15 January 2009
I Hate Birds
Reason #46782
For as long as I can remember, I have always hated birds. They are unpredictable, they have sharp beaks, and despite commonly flying in a group, I imagine them to be quite anti-social. I am not frightened by the movie Birds, as I have the acute ability to separate fiction from reality; however, I am generally frightened by swooping feather-balls that torment me whenever I am outside. I once had my hand nearly torn off (read: I had a couple of cuts and a scar) by a ravenous seagull (question: can you use one bird to describe another?) who was trying to eat a piece of fish out of my hand. I hate birds.
While doing a bit of channel-surfing today, I stopped on MSNBC which was showing live coverage of a plane that crashed into the Hudson River while traveling from NYC to North Carolina. I was intrigued and immediately thought the worst...terrorism.
A few minutes later, I was stunned to learn that my fears had been confirmed.
Our nation was under attack from a gaggle of menacing geese. Filthy sons-of-bitches.
I listened to the broadcast as the announcer literally made the following statement, "These were big birds, Canadian Geese! They could definitely take down a plane!" Apparently the plane ran into a large flock of Canadian Geese and the pilot determined that it had to make an immediate landing in the Hudson River because it was unable to stabilize the plane.
Damn you, Canada! I usually defend Canada because I like their national anthem more than I like our own....HOWEVA, their decision to send a troop of flying terrorist geese at an American plane has made me see them in a new light. Couldn't they just be satisfied with their role as America Jr.? Why did they have to recruit their birds to take down ours?
I hate birds. I hate terrorists. I reeeeeaaaalllly hate terrorist birds.
Sidenote
Is anyone else a little concerned that a massive f'n jet plane cannot fly through a gaggle of geese?
Sidenote 2
If you don't believe that these geese are terrorists, why in the name of the queen did they not get the hell out of the way of a giant f'n plane? Seriously?
For as long as I can remember, I have always hated birds. They are unpredictable, they have sharp beaks, and despite commonly flying in a group, I imagine them to be quite anti-social. I am not frightened by the movie Birds, as I have the acute ability to separate fiction from reality; however, I am generally frightened by swooping feather-balls that torment me whenever I am outside. I once had my hand nearly torn off (read: I had a couple of cuts and a scar) by a ravenous seagull (question: can you use one bird to describe another?) who was trying to eat a piece of fish out of my hand. I hate birds.
While doing a bit of channel-surfing today, I stopped on MSNBC which was showing live coverage of a plane that crashed into the Hudson River while traveling from NYC to North Carolina. I was intrigued and immediately thought the worst...terrorism.
A few minutes later, I was stunned to learn that my fears had been confirmed.
Our nation was under attack from a gaggle of menacing geese. Filthy sons-of-bitches.
I listened to the broadcast as the announcer literally made the following statement, "These were big birds, Canadian Geese! They could definitely take down a plane!" Apparently the plane ran into a large flock of Canadian Geese and the pilot determined that it had to make an immediate landing in the Hudson River because it was unable to stabilize the plane.
Damn you, Canada! I usually defend Canada because I like their national anthem more than I like our own....HOWEVA, their decision to send a troop of flying terrorist geese at an American plane has made me see them in a new light. Couldn't they just be satisfied with their role as America Jr.? Why did they have to recruit their birds to take down ours?
I hate birds. I hate terrorists. I reeeeeaaaalllly hate terrorist birds.
Sidenote
Is anyone else a little concerned that a massive f'n jet plane cannot fly through a gaggle of geese?
Sidenote 2
If you don't believe that these geese are terrorists, why in the name of the queen did they not get the hell out of the way of a giant f'n plane? Seriously?
12 January 2009
Nice Guys Finish Last
He's No Bonnie and Clyde
I have a friend who once lived in Stow, Ohio. Despite being in the heart of America's armpit, Stow was a pretty decent town. I remember fondly taking trips to the local Sheetz convenience store, and giggling like a kid on nitrous, thinking how hilarious it is that a local gas station was really named Sheetz. The people in Stow were fairly normal people, and were less threatening than a house cat in a room full of pit bulls. I remember thinking, "Boy these people in Stow sure are normal. If not for the natural stench of Columbus, I could actually live here!"
All of this has changed my friends. Stow has become as a city with a lower IQ than Andy Katzenmoyer after a couple of weeks of rehab. Thanks to this guy, Stow now has the distinct honor of being home to one of the world's dumbest criminals.
According to the article, 24 year-old Feliks Goldshtein walked into a bank, filed into a line, pulled on a ski mask, and waited his turn in line before attempting to rob the place. When he finally made it to the front of the line, the teller politely asked him to remove the mask, as which point he pulled out a fake gun.
Are you serious, Feliks? You spend hours working up the courage to perfect the perfect crime that you presumabley spent some time crafting, and your plan is to wait in line with a mask on and a toy gun in your holster? You are about as creative as the brain-children behind naming the professional basketball team in Oklahoma City the "Thunder". Did you really believe that your plan was going to work?
Felik would have been better off renting 50 different bank-robbery movies and trying to copy a tired plot. Actually, Felik would have been better off calling the police ahead of time and telling them his plan....at least that would have saved a brief car chase and a few scared patrons of the bank.
I really enjoy dumb criminal stories. Personally, I have been crafting the perfect crime in my brain for the last five years. It involves goldfish, a conversion van, and 13 Nick Nolte look-a-likes. I can't wait for the right opportunity...
So loyal readers...what is your perfect crime? Please tell me that it does not involve announcing your crime before it is committed and then trying to commit it while holding onto a weapon that that is meant to attach to a GI Joe doll.
I have a friend who once lived in Stow, Ohio. Despite being in the heart of America's armpit, Stow was a pretty decent town. I remember fondly taking trips to the local Sheetz convenience store, and giggling like a kid on nitrous, thinking how hilarious it is that a local gas station was really named Sheetz. The people in Stow were fairly normal people, and were less threatening than a house cat in a room full of pit bulls. I remember thinking, "Boy these people in Stow sure are normal. If not for the natural stench of Columbus, I could actually live here!"
All of this has changed my friends. Stow has become as a city with a lower IQ than Andy Katzenmoyer after a couple of weeks of rehab. Thanks to this guy, Stow now has the distinct honor of being home to one of the world's dumbest criminals.
According to the article, 24 year-old Feliks Goldshtein walked into a bank, filed into a line, pulled on a ski mask, and waited his turn in line before attempting to rob the place. When he finally made it to the front of the line, the teller politely asked him to remove the mask, as which point he pulled out a fake gun.
Are you serious, Feliks? You spend hours working up the courage to perfect the perfect crime that you presumabley spent some time crafting, and your plan is to wait in line with a mask on and a toy gun in your holster? You are about as creative as the brain-children behind naming the professional basketball team in Oklahoma City the "Thunder". Did you really believe that your plan was going to work?
Felik would have been better off renting 50 different bank-robbery movies and trying to copy a tired plot. Actually, Felik would have been better off calling the police ahead of time and telling them his plan....at least that would have saved a brief car chase and a few scared patrons of the bank.
I really enjoy dumb criminal stories. Personally, I have been crafting the perfect crime in my brain for the last five years. It involves goldfish, a conversion van, and 13 Nick Nolte look-a-likes. I can't wait for the right opportunity...
So loyal readers...what is your perfect crime? Please tell me that it does not involve announcing your crime before it is committed and then trying to commit it while holding onto a weapon that that is meant to attach to a GI Joe doll.
09 January 2009
Down Goes Frasier!
Part I: Sometimes, it is Best to Trust the Students
As many of you know (or probably all of you, since I think you all know me), I am a high school teacher. Much of my day is spent filtering through the thoughts and questions of teenagers, determining what should be heard or ignored, and finally responding to a lot of inquiries per hour. My students are constantly trying to get me to watch, listen, or read about things that they find funny. Just to prove my overall hipness, sometimes I oblige and laugh politely when I realize that I am painfully getting old and not finding teenage humor that funny anymore. However, there are rare occasions, like today, when they actually stumble upon something that makes me laugh as well.
After a few minutes of giggling, I overhear, "just ask him, ask him, he'll do it..." Intrigued, I give in and ask what they are babbling about. Their instructions were simple: Go to YouTube and type in "Scarlet Takes a Tumble". Following their directions, I come across this piece of internet hilarity:
Being the good teacher that I am, I immediately progam my tv to show my computer screen and attempt to turn this into a learning experience. As we watch the video, students actually start to sing along with the Aretha Franklin wannabe. As Scarlet gracefully slides into her high heels and mounts the table, we are all sure that it is going to end poorly. Eventually, the hilarity ensues and we are left laughing for a little while. Browsing through YouTube, we find SEVERAL remixed versions of Scarlet's love ballad...now that's entertainment!
So...the real question is, "How in the world can public schools justify this as an educational opportunity?"
Did you forget that I am really good at my job?
I quickly lecture the students on mass media and how it contrasts with the oral storytelling traditions found in the novel that we are currently reading, Things Fall Apart. What kind of impact might YouTube have on Nigerian tribes? Additionally, how would we operate if we did not have media outlets such as YouTube?
Needless to say, the student led discussion was interesting and further proof that sometimes kids know best...
Part II: Sometimes Kids are Idiots
During another class, I was assigning a short essay for students to complete about the novel 1984. When I explained that it would be short, probably 2 complete pages, a student piped up, saying, "WOW, you are waaaay easier than your mom!" You can imagine the laughter and entertainment. My question is, should I be offended?
Ahh....teaching. Perhaps this blog will transform into my daily interactions with the lives of America's youth. Perhaps that would only serve to be depressing...
As many of you know (or probably all of you, since I think you all know me), I am a high school teacher. Much of my day is spent filtering through the thoughts and questions of teenagers, determining what should be heard or ignored, and finally responding to a lot of inquiries per hour. My students are constantly trying to get me to watch, listen, or read about things that they find funny. Just to prove my overall hipness, sometimes I oblige and laugh politely when I realize that I am painfully getting old and not finding teenage humor that funny anymore. However, there are rare occasions, like today, when they actually stumble upon something that makes me laugh as well.
After a few minutes of giggling, I overhear, "just ask him, ask him, he'll do it..." Intrigued, I give in and ask what they are babbling about. Their instructions were simple: Go to YouTube and type in "Scarlet Takes a Tumble". Following their directions, I come across this piece of internet hilarity:
Being the good teacher that I am, I immediately progam my tv to show my computer screen and attempt to turn this into a learning experience. As we watch the video, students actually start to sing along with the Aretha Franklin wannabe. As Scarlet gracefully slides into her high heels and mounts the table, we are all sure that it is going to end poorly. Eventually, the hilarity ensues and we are left laughing for a little while. Browsing through YouTube, we find SEVERAL remixed versions of Scarlet's love ballad...now that's entertainment!
So...the real question is, "How in the world can public schools justify this as an educational opportunity?"
Did you forget that I am really good at my job?
I quickly lecture the students on mass media and how it contrasts with the oral storytelling traditions found in the novel that we are currently reading, Things Fall Apart. What kind of impact might YouTube have on Nigerian tribes? Additionally, how would we operate if we did not have media outlets such as YouTube?
Needless to say, the student led discussion was interesting and further proof that sometimes kids know best...
Part II: Sometimes Kids are Idiots
During another class, I was assigning a short essay for students to complete about the novel 1984. When I explained that it would be short, probably 2 complete pages, a student piped up, saying, "WOW, you are waaaay easier than your mom!" You can imagine the laughter and entertainment. My question is, should I be offended?
Ahh....teaching. Perhaps this blog will transform into my daily interactions with the lives of America's youth. Perhaps that would only serve to be depressing...
07 January 2009
Michigan's DNR = Yosemite Sam
Apparently, They Prefer Canadian Bacon
So I'm scrolling through a bunch of different websites today when I come to Michigan's conglomeration of local newspapers known as MLive. When the page loads, the first thing I see is this picture:
So I'm scrolling through a bunch of different websites today when I come to Michigan's conglomeration of local newspapers known as MLive. When the page loads, the first thing I see is this picture:
Expecting to read an article about a couple of real-life Pumbaa's that have escaped from a redneck zoo, I browse through the article in amazement as I learn that Southwest Michigan has a serious problem with feral pigs of European descent. The article is here, but I am going to highlight a few areas of hilarity below.
The crux of the story is that too few people in Michigan are shooting wild pigs when they see them. The Michigan DNR's official policy is "Shoot first, ask questions later." Let's take a look at a few key passages from the story...
The animals adapt easily to the wild, reproduce prolifically, and, as invasive species go, "this makes the emerald ash borer look like a bad hair day," said Patrick Rusz, director of wildlife programs for the nonprofit Michigan Wildlife Conservancy based near Lansing.
Can somebody please give me a rundown showing the ranking of pests in the natural environment and how the are analogous to everyday experiences of people in the real world? For instance, if the emerald ash borer is a bad hair day, what personal ailment relates to a swarm of locusts? What out there in mother nature is akin to a hangover after a night of Milwaukee's Best Ice and Mohawk Vodka?
Additionally, these beasts can reproduce prolifically?! What constitutes a prolific rate of reproduction? Do the Irish reproduce prolifically, or only if they are Irish Catholic?
On to the next section...
"I can't imagine a nastier animal," Rusz said. "Yet, this still is slipping under the public's radar."
What type of sheltered world is Mr Rusz living in where he cannot imagine a nastier animal? Ever hear of a barracuda? What about a wolverine? Did you mother forget to tell you about bears! Hell, I can think of a plant that is nastier...the venus fly trap! Additionally, Rusz doesn't intimate that he cannot name a nastier animal that actually exists, he leads us to believe that in his entire imagination, he cannot come up with anything worse than a pig that tears through farmlands? Ok readers....here is your challenge for the comment section: Describe, or even draw if you are so inclined, your imagined animal that is worse than a feral pig. I will compile the best descriptions and personally email the results to Mr. Rusz and his mother.
Next...
The DNR's advice is to shoot the pigs on sight, use a gun big enough to get the job done, and make the first shot count.
What kind of gun does the DNR suppose that people are carrying with them? Should I have a AK-47 in my satchel just in case I encounter a wild pig? In an effort to help the sagging auto industry, should Jeep come out with a new model that comes equipped with a bazooka that pops out of the hood? Amazing advice, really. Don't you think that if you were carrying a big enough gun, one shot would completely obliterate the animal?
And finally...
Feral pigs may be domestic or Eurasian breeds. At maturity, they can weigh up to 400 pounds, and usually sport tusks. The boars lead solitary, nomadic lives; sows and piglets travel in small groups. All can be short-tempered and territorial.
So, if I am reading this correctly, what we have here is an invasion of plus-sized pigs whose behavior resembles something between a hobo and a group of women on Black Friday. Disagree? Sows and piglets (read: mothers and daughters) traveling in small groups (read: out with their friends) that are short-tempered (read: short-tempered) and territorial (read: if you steal the toy I am looking for at 6am on the day after Thanksgiving, I will run you over with my shopping cart and pry the toy from your cold dead hands). Now...if the previously described action happens to be taking place at a Walmart or Big Lots store, I think we have hit the trifecta of plus-sized, hobos, and women! Eureka!
This turned out to be a few pretty good minutes of my life. Thank you MLive and the Kalamazoo for not only covering such riveting stories as the feral pig invasion (which, by the way, would be a great name for a punk band), but for finding such a story to be soooo incredible that it warrants inclusion on the homepage of your website for much of the day. Luckily, there is nothing more important going on in the state of Michigan....right?
P.S.
Don't forget to leave your animal creation in the comments...I am serious about emailing the DB who had such a rough childhood that he is scared of long-haired pigs.
06 January 2009
George W. Bush: The After-Life
Lame-Duck, My Ass
One often wonders what is going through the mind of a US President in the weeks leading up to the of his reign as one of the most powerful people in the world. The major news media will run a plethora of stories over the next few weeks with catchy little titles, such as "George W. Bush: The Final Days," or "How Will George W. Bush Be Remembered?" or even, "Adios, Cowboy!" These less-than articulately written articles will fall far short in their attempts to predict the thoughts, feelings, and future of President George W. Bush. Trust me.
So what makes this entry so much more profound and newsworthy than the drivel that will spin from the mouths of the national media like a dreidel on the first day of Hanukkah? Well my friends, I am about to expose more than just the future of W, I am prepared to show you exactly what he has been doing for much of the last 30 years of his life!
Get ready...this is going to be freakier than the time that Farrah Fawcett decided that painting her naked 50 year old body and rolling around on canvas might be something that teenage boys, dirtbag truckers, and seedy business executives would enjoy seeing in their monthly edition of Playboy.
Ok...here is goes. GWB is a Mexican Warlock.
One often wonders what is going through the mind of a US President in the weeks leading up to the of his reign as one of the most powerful people in the world. The major news media will run a plethora of stories over the next few weeks with catchy little titles, such as "George W. Bush: The Final Days," or "How Will George W. Bush Be Remembered?" or even, "Adios, Cowboy!" These less-than articulately written articles will fall far short in their attempts to predict the thoughts, feelings, and future of President George W. Bush. Trust me.
So what makes this entry so much more profound and newsworthy than the drivel that will spin from the mouths of the national media like a dreidel on the first day of Hanukkah? Well my friends, I am about to expose more than just the future of W, I am prepared to show you exactly what he has been doing for much of the last 30 years of his life!
Get ready...this is going to be freakier than the time that Farrah Fawcett decided that painting her naked 50 year old body and rolling around on canvas might be something that teenage boys, dirtbag truckers, and seedy business executives would enjoy seeing in their monthly edition of Playboy.
Ok...here is goes. GWB is a Mexican Warlock.
Look at the picture again. That is good ol' W...in the flesh. Apparently, he has been using the alias Professor Antonio Vasquez Alba and has been moon-lighting as a warlock for the past 30 years! Don't believe me? Read this article for yourself....I think it will explain a few things about the last 8 years.
Let's review...
Sometime around 1980, Bush began dressing as a Mexican Grand Warlock and making hilarious predictions about world events. Does this seem possible? Could he really run a secret double life? I think the evidence established during his presidency presents a pretty compelling case.
A few fun examples for proof:
- In January of 2008, Warlock Bush predicted that Hilary Clinton would be the next US President. In November of 2008, President Bush chuckles about his prediction, thinking, "That was a good one....a woman president. Ha!"
- In January of 2009, Warlock Bush predicts that US troops will leave Iraq and take up stations on the US/Mexico border in an effort to stretch the US boundaries. In January of 2009, President Bush laughs, wondering, "Is that too easy of a prediction? Didn't I set Obama up to get the troops out of Iraq? Also...I really want a bigger ranch in Crawford, so want not take part of Mexico. I bet I could even get some cheap labor that way!"
- And, finally, In January 2007, Warlock Bush predicted that the Cubs would win the World Series. In October of 2007, President Bush watches the last game of the World Series with a grin, saying, "Aren't those Cubs fans cute?!"
This whole warlock thing is actually quite genius for Bush. He can be terrible at the job, and his amigos in Mayan country still believe him because he is a self-proclaimed grand warlock! Additionally, he can slightly improve his standing in America because he can always say, "Look, at least I am not some crazy, paranoid, sooth-sayer in Mexico wearing a fake beard making people believe that I know what I am talking about. Look folks, when I make predictions, I actually believe that I have a chance of being right!" And with that, he is given a free pass.
I genuinely look forward to the next twenty years when we see articles like "GWB: Where is he now?" Luckily, we all know where he is, what he is doing, and why having a sense of humor is more important than being good at your job.
05 January 2009
Welcome Back
Happy New Year!
That's right. I'm back. Rather than go on and on about how I am glad to be writing again, and how I appreciate all of my loyal readers still giving a damn enough to check this blog in the hopeful anticipation of a new posting, I'm not going to make a big deal out of the fact that today is perhaps the most anticipated renewal of one-time classic since Hulk Hogan revived American Gladiators. Rather than make excuses about how busy I have been, that the fall is a tough time to blog, that I haven't been inspired by good material, that many of my co-writers haven't come through, I am simply going to say welcome back to the greatest 10 minutes of your day...
New Year's Resolutions
Did you know that 90% of Americans claim to make a New Year's resolution? Did you know that of that 90%, only 20% claim to follow through with their resolution for longer than one month? Did you know that I am making up statistics to make my New Year's resolution look either better or worse, depending on how it turns out? You see, if I ditch my resolution after about a month, it proves that I am just like the majority of Americans who cannot stick to a commitment. However, if I do make it beyond a month, it is further proof that I am sooooo much better than most people. I am going to go ahead and assume all of my readers are the type that actually follow their resolutions for longer than a month. This means that I am not better than you, but that the collective WE are much better than the rest of the non-resolution, non-f.a.r.-reading, Americans. WE are in the top 18% of the people in America. Unfortunately, that also means that only 18% of America reads this blog...or more dire yet, it means that there are only a possible 18% of Americans that do read this blog, and that of that 18%, only a small percentage is reading, in which case I should probably open my readership to people who don't make new year's resolutions....OR...you could all talk to your friends and encourage them to make it their new year's resolution to read this blog. That way, I am not only improving my readership, I am also making the world a better place, one entry at a time. This is a complicated scheme...not quite like a Ponzi scheme, but probably the blog-world's equivalent.
So what is my resolution? To post a new blog entry at least 2 times per week...AND, to add an additional writer very soon. So to recap: If I do not follow my new year's resolution, you and your friends cannot possibly follow yours, meaning I am single-handedly responsible for making the world a better, more resolution-following place. Challenging? Perhaps.
Binghamton College Welcomes NY's Biggest Loser
I'm sure a strong argument can be made for the purpose of the Boy Scouts. I'm sure that they teach lifelong lessons, promote good values, and are more than just the butt of a lot of jokes. Believe it or not, I myself was once a Cub Scout...kind of like the farm system for the Boy Scouts, where the cream of the boy scout crop rises to the top, only to make their way to the real world (middle school) where they are ridiculed until the realize that boy scouts are like the minor leagues for tech departments. Luckily, I never made it to the boy scouts. Sometime after I had to dress up as a lion and jump through fake hoops of fire at a mock circus for Cub Scouts, I realized that I was A) not boy scout material; B) heterosexual; and C) never going to attend Binghamton College.
Ok...so why the odd references to Binghamton, a school that to this point is known best for being the alma mater of ESPN's Tony Kornhieser? Well, the Binghamton Boy Scout club just landed their biggest recruit in decades. According to this article , a teenager from Long Island who undoubtedly wears glasses and believes that getting to third base with a girl has something to do with his kickball league, has just earned all 121 boy scout badges. Shawn Goldstein, the unnamed jerk-off is enrolled as a freshman at Binghamton. According to sources, Goldstein has a great chance to earn the unprecedented 122nd badge, awarded to the college student who can successfully get his ass-kicked for 100 straight days. Good luck, Goldie.
As the article states, he was pushed to achieve the feat by his grandmother, who unfortunately died before he finished. Note to Shawn: when your family members would rather die than see you accomplish this stupid feat, you should get the hint that you should have stopped back when you were a lowly Cub Scout building bird-feeders out of firewood.
That's right. I'm back. Rather than go on and on about how I am glad to be writing again, and how I appreciate all of my loyal readers still giving a damn enough to check this blog in the hopeful anticipation of a new posting, I'm not going to make a big deal out of the fact that today is perhaps the most anticipated renewal of one-time classic since Hulk Hogan revived American Gladiators. Rather than make excuses about how busy I have been, that the fall is a tough time to blog, that I haven't been inspired by good material, that many of my co-writers haven't come through, I am simply going to say welcome back to the greatest 10 minutes of your day...
New Year's Resolutions
Did you know that 90% of Americans claim to make a New Year's resolution? Did you know that of that 90%, only 20% claim to follow through with their resolution for longer than one month? Did you know that I am making up statistics to make my New Year's resolution look either better or worse, depending on how it turns out? You see, if I ditch my resolution after about a month, it proves that I am just like the majority of Americans who cannot stick to a commitment. However, if I do make it beyond a month, it is further proof that I am sooooo much better than most people. I am going to go ahead and assume all of my readers are the type that actually follow their resolutions for longer than a month. This means that I am not better than you, but that the collective WE are much better than the rest of the non-resolution, non-f.a.r.-reading, Americans. WE are in the top 18% of the people in America. Unfortunately, that also means that only 18% of America reads this blog...or more dire yet, it means that there are only a possible 18% of Americans that do read this blog, and that of that 18%, only a small percentage is reading, in which case I should probably open my readership to people who don't make new year's resolutions....OR...you could all talk to your friends and encourage them to make it their new year's resolution to read this blog. That way, I am not only improving my readership, I am also making the world a better place, one entry at a time. This is a complicated scheme...not quite like a Ponzi scheme, but probably the blog-world's equivalent.
So what is my resolution? To post a new blog entry at least 2 times per week...AND, to add an additional writer very soon. So to recap: If I do not follow my new year's resolution, you and your friends cannot possibly follow yours, meaning I am single-handedly responsible for making the world a better, more resolution-following place. Challenging? Perhaps.
Binghamton College Welcomes NY's Biggest Loser
I'm sure a strong argument can be made for the purpose of the Boy Scouts. I'm sure that they teach lifelong lessons, promote good values, and are more than just the butt of a lot of jokes. Believe it or not, I myself was once a Cub Scout...kind of like the farm system for the Boy Scouts, where the cream of the boy scout crop rises to the top, only to make their way to the real world (middle school) where they are ridiculed until the realize that boy scouts are like the minor leagues for tech departments. Luckily, I never made it to the boy scouts. Sometime after I had to dress up as a lion and jump through fake hoops of fire at a mock circus for Cub Scouts, I realized that I was A) not boy scout material; B) heterosexual; and C) never going to attend Binghamton College.
Ok...so why the odd references to Binghamton, a school that to this point is known best for being the alma mater of ESPN's Tony Kornhieser? Well, the Binghamton Boy Scout club just landed their biggest recruit in decades. According to this article , a teenager from Long Island who undoubtedly wears glasses and believes that getting to third base with a girl has something to do with his kickball league, has just earned all 121 boy scout badges. Shawn Goldstein, the unnamed jerk-off is enrolled as a freshman at Binghamton. According to sources, Goldstein has a great chance to earn the unprecedented 122nd badge, awarded to the college student who can successfully get his ass-kicked for 100 straight days. Good luck, Goldie.
As the article states, he was pushed to achieve the feat by his grandmother, who unfortunately died before he finished. Note to Shawn: when your family members would rather die than see you accomplish this stupid feat, you should get the hint that you should have stopped back when you were a lowly Cub Scout building bird-feeders out of firewood.
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