Fairly Accurately Rated

Karma Favors Personal Hygiene

2009-02-20T13:59:00.009-05:00

Circus Freaks Belong in a Circus

I briefly heard about a story last week involving a woman with ridiculously long fingernails. I didn't catch the rest of the story, but somehow I came across an article today explaining the plight of the woman pictured below.

I'm not sure if that picture describes the full stupidity of Ms. Lee Redmond. According to this article from USA Today, Ms. Redmond's fingernails reached a combined length of 28 feet. Aside from the obvious questions (ass-wiping, typing, etc.), the question of how in the hell can Pippy Long-fingers drive was answered recently. Although she suffered no life-threatening injuries in a car accident, she did break her grotesque nails that had been growing since 1979!

Let's take a little look at a few things that have come and gone since 1979:

Pagers
Gameboys
VHS Tapes
Heath Ledger
let's stop there...

Is it not mind-boggling to think that Creepo-McLongFingers back-scratchers outlasted Heath Ledger?!?

Look lady, when even the Mormon church will not accept you because you look like you belong at a Star Trek convention, you have issues. I for one am glad that your nails are broken and that good ol' karma has given you a swift kick in the ass.

Enjoy your pseudo-fame, weirdo.

P.S. What else can be added to the list of items with a shorter shelf-life than her nails?

More Internet Fun

2009-02-16T17:04:00.005-05:00

I gave you a few days break to continue the laugh-fest known as http://www.fmylife.com/ . Today, I am back with another piece of internet amusement.

A few weeks ago I was tipped off by a friend that CareerBuilder.com would be premiering a new service via a commercial during the Super Bowl. I watched with eager anticipation, thinking that I would be one of the select few who had already used the service that was about to be described for an audience of millions. But, alas, the game came and went without so much as a mention of the new product. Apparently, Career Builder could not determine how to market their new service and made the decision to wait until that knew exactly how to proceed. I have been waiting for a few weeks, thinking that it would eventually be released, but still.....nothing.

So, here it is....a sneak preview of a new website that will change your relationship with all of your co-workers. A website which will allow you to tell your boss that he/she had bad breath and an inability to lead a hungry group of flies to cow shit. A website that will let you anonymously tell the person in the next cubicle that they can stop listening to Creed like everyone else did 5 years ago. The new service is called Anonymous Tip Giver .

Take a few minutes and follow the link...it is well worth your time. I will assure you, you can type ANY message into the system and it will deliver it completely anonymously to any email address that you provide. As an alternative and also hilarious measure, you could also deliver a funny phone call to anyone you know, explaining anything you want....again, this cannot be traced!

Once Career Builder decides to go public with this, all hell is going to break loose in office building throughout the nation. Of course, if you are the type who enjoys seeing hell break loose, start creating havoc today!

FML

2009-02-11T19:54:00.003-05:00

There is, perhaps, nothing more satisfying than taking delight in the misery of others. This type of personal enjoyment may sound a bit demented, but really, hearing about the misfortune of others generally has a positive effect on your day, right?! Look---it's not like I laugh at people to their faces or go around looking for horrible things that have happened to others just to make my day a little bit better....BUT, when the occasional story crosses my path regarding the overall suckiness (is that a word?) of someone's life, the corner of my mouth tilts up a bit, I stifle a small laugh, and my mind is torn asunder by thoughts of empathy (short-lived thoughts) and a resurgence of self-confidence, knowing that my life doesn't suck as badly as some other unlucky person's life.

To that end, today I was told about a website that is really worth 1000 laughs.

www.fmylife.com

The complete hilarity that fills this website really makes you laugh at the misery of others causing more than a little smirk. Seriously....I have been laughing out loud (lol for you 21st century kiddies) while scrolling through page after page of one-liners.

You will have to check out the site yourself to really get a feel for how utterly laughable the situations of others are on a daily basis. The website asks its readers to post a short blurb explaining why their life sucks, ending with the familiar retort, "F*** My Life".

Here is a small sampling of my favorites:

Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML
Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I shake hands with ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML
Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML
Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML
Today, I found FML for the first time in class, and literally laughed out loud in the middle of the lecture in front of 200 classmates. Today's lecture? The cruelties of slavery. FML

If I am late in learning about this website, I apologize for not being current. However, I do not apologize for bringing it back to the front of your mind.

As you read, please post your favorites as a comment....OR, as a bonus, let us know if you have your own to add to the list!

I should add that this website was brought to my attention by my most loyal of readers, and (hopefully) future contributor, eee!

Punctuation is for Losers

2009-02-05T15:00:00.004-05:00

Aren't the British Cute?!?
Some time ago, I received a copy of a CD by group from New York who sounds like an English band called Vampire Weekend. While your first thought may be, "Who receives CD's anymore?", your second thought should be, "I should probably look into that band." Of course, if you are at least a little knowledgeable about music, you have likely already heard of them and either love them or hate them.

In any event, one of the better songs on the album asks the question, "Who gives a f*ck about an Oxford comma?" And isn't that a great question? I for one am in favor of the use of an Oxford comma. I think it makes a list look more complete.

Any who....the topic of this post really isn't about the Oxford comma. Rather, it is about this article in which a city in England has arbitrarily decided to end the use of the apostrophe. According the article, some of the apostrophes used in street signs are no longer accurate and confuse GPS systems. Additionally, they say this about the punctuation:

"More importantly, they confuse people. If I want to go to a restaurant, I don't want to have an A-level (high school diploma) in English to find it."

Very well then.

So let me get this straight....the country that is responsible for the OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY, a tool universally boned by grammarians and English majors everywhere, has a city that now believes that they shouldn't be confused by the simplest of punctuation marks?!?

The arguments are a bit laughable.

Argument #1: Apostrophes confuse a GPS? How in the name of King Henry can our civilization be responsible for a machine that uses m-f'n satellites to beam directions to and from anywhere in the world to a handheld and mobile device, AND YET, create the same machine without the ability to recognize a damn apostrophe?!? Perhaps this is not a problem with modern punctuation, but a problem with modern technology.

Argument #2: I shouldn't have to be smart to find a restaurant. Huh? If you cannot tell the difference between Connor's Fish and Chips and Connors Fish and Chips, you should be concerned about your level of education. Honestly! It does not at an English degree to read. I teach high school English...even my dumbest students can recognize and correctly use an apostrophe.

Pretty funny stuff. Those Brits continue to amaze, do they not?

I Hate You, Kyra Sedgwick

2009-02-04T18:19:00.002-05:00

Background
I love Law and Order. I am a bit of a Law and Order junkie. I once explained to my wife that I love the show because it has both law and order. I don't just love the new episodes on Wednesday nights on NBC. I thoroughly enjoy watching old episodes that I have already watched. I love Arthur Branch, Lennie Briscoe, Adam Schiff, Lt. Van Buren, Ed Green, Serena Southerlyn...all of them...most especially Jack McCoy. I once vowed to vote for Fred Thompson for President of the United States just because I wanted out national anthem to change to the theme song from Law and Order.

At some point in my childhood, Law and Order reached syndication and began airing on TNT on an almost around the clock basis. If I turned on the tv at any time of the day, there was at least a 75% chance that Law and Order would be on. It was glorious.

The Hatred Begins
A couple of years ago while TNT was covering the NBA playoffs, I noticed that the promos for TNT ("We Know Drama") were filled with clips from an up-and-coming new show called "The Closer". Silly me...I imagine that the show would be about baseball. So gone were the promos for Law and Order, and replacing them were plugs for a show with a stupid name showing some dumb blonde from NYC trying to use a countrified accent in a show about law.

The commercials became so frequent that I already hated the show before it had aired its premiere. It was at this point that I started to hate the star of the show, Kyra Sedgwick.

The most notable part of Kyra Sedgwick is that she is married to Kevin Bacon. I wonder how many degrees of separation he would like to have after having to watch her dumb tv show?

I Hate You, Kyra Sedgwick and I Hope Fall Off a Cliff
Kyra Sedgwick once said, "It's an unattainable goal to be good at everything." What I think she meant to say was, "It's an unattainable goal for me to be good at anything."

On second thought, Kyra Sedgwick is good at a few things.
A list....

Being ugly
Having no talent
Having a mouth bigger than the joker
Using a fake accent
'Starring' on a show that sucks
Having a stupid name (first and last)

In Conclusion
To me, Kyra Sedgwick is the single most annoying celebrity on the planet. No other women makes me cringe like Kyra. Hopefully, sometime around the NBA playoffs, some tv show will come around with a better looking star to replace 'The Closer'. Until then, I remain vigilant.

Hero on the Hudson

2009-01-31T14:04:00.002-05:00

A Recap
A couple of weeks ago I posted about the plane crash in the Hudson River, mostly related to my utter hatred of birds. A few days ago, a friend sent me a link to a game inspired by the crash. Check it out...

Play Games at AddictingGames

The game is actually addicting (as the title of the website suggests) but it is missing one significant piece: BIRDS!

How much fun would this game be if it actually followed the plight of the pilot from the moment the plane took off?!? What if you had to fly through a gaggle of geese and then try to land the plane? The game does show the difficulty of landing the plane (obviously on a much smaller scale), but it doesn't raise your blood pressure to the level that the pilot experienced due to those damn Canadian terrorists.

For now, enjoy the game.

It's So Cold in the D

2009-01-30T09:12:00.005-05:00

There are no words...
As I was driving into work today, my morning radio show was discussing the recent story about a man in Detroit who was found frozen in a block of ice at the bottom of an elevator shaft. While the details of that story are bizarre enough, the discussion turned to a recent YouTube sensation, T-Baby, and her musical hit "It's So Cold in the D"

Yes, T-Baby, it is cold in the D. Newsflash....it is cold everywhere. I know, I know, I know...you aren't just talking about the temperature. Life is hard in the D, but do you think that jobs are expanding nationwide? Instead of dumping our your gin and juice in front of your 8-year old son while asking "How the f*ck are we sposta keep peace?", perhaps you should spend a dollar on a newspaper and you would realize that it is pretty cold nationwide. And yet, only in Detroit would one make this video.

I don't even know where I am going with this. Like I said...no words. Incredible.

I'm Mike TV!

2009-01-23T16:12:00.002-05:00

I am not trying to break my New Year's Resolution by not posting this week, I have just been under-the-weather and not really up to posting. In my down time, I have had the opportunity to watch a little tele....here are a random smattering of thoughts:

The Office
I am at the point with The Office where I absolutely love it, DVR it, can't wait to watch it, but know that it will all come crashing down sooner than anyone would like. I call this The Seinfeld Syndrome. The majority of Americans who were watching Seinfeld in the '90s can recall a moment where they were so enthralled by the show that they would literally stop their life to watch it every Thursday night. However, just when the show was at a peak, it was announced that it was ending. I am afraid that The Office will put us all in the same position. I don't know when it is going to end, but I know that it will at some point and I will be sad.

Now, about the show....

Even though Michael Scott is a totally inept boss, wouldn't you love to work for him? Also, to further the debate, Hilary Swank is not hot.

The Principal's Office
A colleague and future contributor to this blog introduced me to a show on Tru TV called The Principal's Office. The premise of the show is the daily life of high school principals and the hilarity they encounter. Completely worth your time on Thursday nights from 10-11 EST. Last night three students showed up to school dressed as gorillas. While most people would laugh and say that this type of thing is rare, real teachers know that this is the type of weird shit that we encounter all of the time. Seriously...watch it.

LOST
It's baaaaaack! After not watching the first four seasons while they were on, I decided to catch up by watching all four seasons during the break in time before season 5 began. It was entirely worth my time and I am completely hooked. The season premiere combined the perfect amount of clarity and confusion that has been present in every episode during the first four years. Just when I was thinking about how many characters were brought back for the premiere, it reminded my how many are still out there and how many new characters we will be sure to meet in the next two seasons before it ends. If you don't watch it, you probably need to start with season one and catch up...there is no way you can start in the middle.

Finally....
I know this post was a little boring. Sorry. I am still a bit ill and not and my normally creative self. If you never really think that I am creative, I am reeeeeaaaaalllly sorry; however, one might ask, "Why are you reading this anyway?"

I'll be back with some hilarity soon...

I Hate Birds

2009-01-15T16:01:00.002-05:00

Reason #46782
For as long as I can remember, I have always hated birds. They are unpredictable, they have sharp beaks, and despite commonly flying in a group, I imagine them to be quite anti-social. I am not frightened by the movie Birds, as I have the acute ability to separate fiction from reality; however, I am generally frightened by swooping feather-balls that torment me whenever I am outside. I once had my hand nearly torn off (read: I had a couple of cuts and a scar) by a ravenous seagull (question: can you use one bird to describe another?) who was trying to eat a piece of fish out of my hand. I hate birds.

While doing a bit of channel-surfing today, I stopped on MSNBC which was showing live coverage of a plane that crashed into the Hudson River while traveling from NYC to North Carolina. I was intrigued and immediately thought the worst...terrorism.

A few minutes later, I was stunned to learn that my fears had been confirmed.

Our nation was under attack from a gaggle of menacing geese. Filthy sons-of-bitches.

I listened to the broadcast as the announcer literally made the following statement, "These were big birds, Canadian Geese! They could definitely take down a plane!" Apparently the plane ran into a large flock of Canadian Geese and the pilot determined that it had to make an immediate landing in the Hudson River because it was unable to stabilize the plane.

Damn you, Canada! I usually defend Canada because I like their national anthem more than I like our own....HOWEVA, their decision to send a troop of flying terrorist geese at an American plane has made me see them in a new light. Couldn't they just be satisfied with their role as America Jr.? Why did they have to recruit their birds to take down ours?

I hate birds. I hate terrorists. I reeeeeaaaalllly hate terrorist birds.

Sidenote
Is anyone else a little concerned that a massive f'n jet plane cannot fly through a gaggle of geese?

Sidenote 2
If you don't believe that these geese are terrorists, why in the name of the queen did they not get the hell out of the way of a giant f'n plane? Seriously?

Nice Guys Finish Last

2009-01-12T16:39:00.002-05:00

He's No Bonnie and Clyde
I have a friend who once lived in Stow, Ohio. Despite being in the heart of America's armpit, Stow was a pretty decent town. I remember fondly taking trips to the local Sheetz convenience store, and giggling like a kid on nitrous, thinking how hilarious it is that a local gas station was really named Sheetz. The people in Stow were fairly normal people, and were less threatening than a house cat in a room full of pit bulls. I remember thinking, "Boy these people in Stow sure are normal. If not for the natural stench of Columbus, I could actually live here!"

All of this has changed my friends. Stow has become as a city with a lower IQ than Andy Katzenmoyer after a couple of weeks of rehab. Thanks to this guy, Stow now has the distinct honor of being home to one of the world's dumbest criminals.

According to the article, 24 year-old Feliks Goldshtein walked into a bank, filed into a line, pulled on a ski mask, and waited his turn in line before attempting to rob the place. When he finally made it to the front of the line, the teller politely asked him to remove the mask, as which point he pulled out a fake gun.

Are you serious, Feliks? You spend hours working up the courage to perfect the perfect crime that you presumabley spent some time crafting, and your plan is to wait in line with a mask on and a toy gun in your holster? You are about as creative as the brain-children behind naming the professional basketball team in Oklahoma City the "Thunder". Did you really believe that your plan was going to work?

Felik would have been better off renting 50 different bank-robbery movies and trying to copy a tired plot. Actually, Felik would have been better off calling the police ahead of time and telling them his plan....at least that would have saved a brief car chase and a few scared patrons of the bank.

I really enjoy dumb criminal stories. Personally, I have been crafting the perfect crime in my brain for the last five years. It involves goldfish, a conversion van, and 13 Nick Nolte look-a-likes. I can't wait for the right opportunity...

So loyal readers...what is your perfect crime? Please tell me that it does not involve announcing your crime before it is committed and then trying to commit it while holding onto a weapon that that is meant to attach to a GI Joe doll.

Down Goes Frasier!

2009-01-09T11:40:00.003-05:00

Part I: Sometimes, it is Best to Trust the Students
As many of you know (or probably all of you, since I think you all know me), I am a high school teacher. Much of my day is spent filtering through the thoughts and questions of teenagers, determining what should be heard or ignored, and finally responding to a lot of inquiries per hour. My students are constantly trying to get me to watch, listen, or read about things that they find funny. Just to prove my overall hipness, sometimes I oblige and laugh politely when I realize that I am painfully getting old and not finding teenage humor that funny anymore. However, there are rare occasions, like today, when they actually stumble upon something that makes me laugh as well.

After a few minutes of giggling, I overhear, "just ask him, ask him, he'll do it..." Intrigued, I give in and ask what they are babbling about. Their instructions were simple: Go to YouTube and type in "Scarlet Takes a Tumble". Following their directions, I come across this piece of internet hilarity:

Being the good teacher that I am, I immediately progam my tv to show my computer screen and attempt to turn this into a learning experience. As we watch the video, students actually start to sing along with the Aretha Franklin wannabe. As Scarlet gracefully slides into her high heels and mounts the table, we are all sure that it is going to end poorly. Eventually, the hilarity ensues and we are left laughing for a little while. Browsing through YouTube, we find SEVERAL remixed versions of Scarlet's love ballad...now that's entertainment!

So...the real question is, "How in the world can public schools justify this as an educational opportunity?"

Did you forget that I am really good at my job?

I quickly lecture the students on mass media and how it contrasts with the oral storytelling traditions found in the novel that we are currently reading, Things Fall Apart. What kind of impact might YouTube have on Nigerian tribes? Additionally, how would we operate if we did not have media outlets such as YouTube?

Needless to say, the student led discussion was interesting and further proof that sometimes kids know best...

Part II: Sometimes Kids are Idiots
During another class, I was assigning a short essay for students to complete about the novel 1984. When I explained that it would be short, probably 2 complete pages, a student piped up, saying, "WOW, you are waaaay easier than your mom!" You can imagine the laughter and entertainment. My question is, should I be offended?

Ahh....teaching. Perhaps this blog will transform into my daily interactions with the lives of America's youth. Perhaps that would only serve to be depressing...

Michigan's DNR = Yosemite Sam

2009-01-07T20:36:00.005-05:00

Apparently, They Prefer Canadian Bacon
So I'm scrolling through a bunch of different websites today when I come to Michigan's conglomeration of local newspapers known as MLive. When the page loads, the first thing I see is this picture:

Expecting to read an article about a couple of real-life Pumbaa's that have escaped from a redneck zoo, I browse through the article in amazement as I learn that Southwest Michigan has a serious problem with feral pigs of European descent. The article is here, but I am going to highlight a few areas of hilarity below.

The crux of the story is that too few people in Michigan are shooting wild pigs when they see them. The Michigan DNR's official policy is "Shoot first, ask questions later." Let's take a look at a few key passages from the story...

The animals adapt easily to the wild, reproduce prolifically, and, as invasive species go, "this makes the emerald ash borer look like a bad hair day," said Patrick Rusz, director of wildlife programs for the nonprofit Michigan Wildlife Conservancy based near Lansing.

Can somebody please give me a rundown showing the ranking of pests in the natural environment and how the are analogous to everyday experiences of people in the real world? For instance, if the emerald ash borer is a bad hair day, what personal ailment relates to a swarm of locusts? What out there in mother nature is akin to a hangover after a night of Milwaukee's Best Ice and Mohawk Vodka?

Additionally, these beasts can reproduce prolifically?! What constitutes a prolific rate of reproduction? Do the Irish reproduce prolifically, or only if they are Irish Catholic?

On to the next section...

"I can't imagine a nastier animal," Rusz said. "Yet, this still is slipping under the public's radar."

What type of sheltered world is Mr Rusz living in where he cannot imagine a nastier animal? Ever hear of a barracuda? What about a wolverine? Did you mother forget to tell you about bears! Hell, I can think of a plant that is nastier...the venus fly trap! Additionally, Rusz doesn't intimate that he cannot name a nastier animal that actually exists, he leads us to believe that in his entire imagination, he cannot come up with anything worse than a pig that tears through farmlands? Ok readers....here is your challenge for the comment section: Describe, or even draw if you are so inclined, your imagined animal that is worse than a feral pig. I will compile the best descriptions and personally email the results to Mr. Rusz and his mother.

Next...

The DNR's advice is to shoot the pigs on sight, use a gun big enough to get the job done, and make the first shot count.

What kind of gun does the DNR suppose that people are carrying with them? Should I have a AK-47 in my satchel just in case I encounter a wild pig? In an effort to help the sagging auto industry, should Jeep come out with a new model that comes equipped with a bazooka that pops out of the hood? Amazing advice, really. Don't you think that if you were carrying a big enough gun, one shot would completely obliterate the animal?

And finally...

Feral pigs may be domestic or Eurasian breeds. At maturity, they can weigh up to 400 pounds, and usually sport tusks. The boars lead solitary, nomadic lives; sows and piglets travel in small groups. All can be short-tempered and territorial.

So, if I am reading this correctly, what we have here is an invasion of plus-sized pigs whose behavior resembles something between a hobo and a group of women on Black Friday. Disagree? Sows and piglets (read: mothers and daughters) traveling in small groups (read: out with their friends) that are short-tempered (read: short-tempered) and territorial (read: if you steal the toy I am looking for at 6am on the day after Thanksgiving, I will run you over with my shopping cart and pry the toy from your cold dead hands). Now...if the previously described action happens to be taking place at a Walmart or Big Lots store, I think we have hit the trifecta of plus-sized, hobos, and women! Eureka!

This turned out to be a few pretty good minutes of my life. Thank you MLive and the Kalamazoo for not only covering such riveting stories as the feral pig invasion (which, by the way, would be a great name for a punk band), but for finding such a story to be soooo incredible that it warrants inclusion on the homepage of your website for much of the day. Luckily, there is nothing more important going on in the state of Michigan....right?

P.S.
Don't forget to leave your animal creation in the comments...I am serious about emailing the DB who had such a rough childhood that he is scared of long-haired pigs.

George W. Bush: The After-Life

2009-01-06T10:00:00.001-05:00

Lame-Duck, My Ass
One often wonders what is going through the mind of a US President in the weeks leading up to the of his reign as one of the most powerful people in the world. The major news media will run a plethora of stories over the next few weeks with catchy little titles, such as "George W. Bush: The Final Days," or "How Will George W. Bush Be Remembered?" or even, "Adios, Cowboy!" These less-than articulately written articles will fall far short in their attempts to predict the thoughts, feelings, and future of President George W. Bush. Trust me.

So what makes this entry so much more profound and newsworthy than the drivel that will spin from the mouths of the national media like a dreidel on the first day of Hanukkah? Well my friends, I am about to expose more than just the future of W, I am prepared to show you exactly what he has been doing for much of the last 30 years of his life!

Get ready...this is going to be freakier than the time that Farrah Fawcett decided that painting her naked 50 year old body and rolling around on canvas might be something that teenage boys, dirtbag truckers, and seedy business executives would enjoy seeing in their monthly edition of Playboy.

Ok...here is goes. GWB is a Mexican Warlock.

Look at the picture again. That is good ol' W...in the flesh. Apparently, he has been using the alias Professor Antonio Vasquez Alba and has been moon-lighting as a warlock for the past 30 years! Don't believe me? Read this article for yourself....I think it will explain a few things about the last 8 years.

Let's review...

Sometime around 1980, Bush began dressing as a Mexican Grand Warlock and making hilarious predictions about world events. Does this seem possible? Could he really run a secret double life? I think the evidence established during his presidency presents a pretty compelling case.

A few fun examples for proof:

In January of 2008, Warlock Bush predicted that Hilary Clinton would be the next US President. In November of 2008, President Bush chuckles about his prediction, thinking, "That was a good one....a woman president. Ha!"
In January of 2009, Warlock Bush predicts that US troops will leave Iraq and take up stations on the US/Mexico border in an effort to stretch the US boundaries. In January of 2009, President Bush laughs, wondering, "Is that too easy of a prediction? Didn't I set Obama up to get the troops out of Iraq? Also...I really want a bigger ranch in Crawford, so want not take part of Mexico. I bet I could even get some cheap labor that way!"
And, finally, In January 2007, Warlock Bush predicted that the Cubs would win the World Series. In October of 2007, President Bush watches the last game of the World Series with a grin, saying, "Aren't those Cubs fans cute?!"

This whole warlock thing is actually quite genius for Bush. He can be terrible at the job, and his amigos in Mayan country still believe him because he is a self-proclaimed grand warlock! Additionally, he can slightly improve his standing in America because he can always say, "Look, at least I am not some crazy, paranoid, sooth-sayer in Mexico wearing a fake beard making people believe that I know what I am talking about. Look folks, when I make predictions, I actually believe that I have a chance of being right!" And with that, he is given a free pass.

I genuinely look forward to the next twenty years when we see articles like "GWB: Where is he now?" Luckily, we all know where he is, what he is doing, and why having a sense of humor is more important than being good at your job.

Welcome Back

2009-01-05T11:56:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year!
That's right. I'm back. Rather than go on and on about how I am glad to be writing again, and how I appreciate all of my loyal readers still giving a damn enough to check this blog in the hopeful anticipation of a new posting, I'm not going to make a big deal out of the fact that today is perhaps the most anticipated renewal of one-time classic since Hulk Hogan revived American Gladiators. Rather than make excuses about how busy I have been, that the fall is a tough time to blog, that I haven't been inspired by good material, that many of my co-writers haven't come through, I am simply going to say welcome back to the greatest 10 minutes of your day...

New Year's Resolutions
Did you know that 90% of Americans claim to make a New Year's resolution? Did you know that of that 90%, only 20% claim to follow through with their resolution for longer than one month? Did you know that I am making up statistics to make my New Year's resolution look either better or worse, depending on how it turns out? You see, if I ditch my resolution after about a month, it proves that I am just like the majority of Americans who cannot stick to a commitment. However, if I do make it beyond a month, it is further proof that I am sooooo much better than most people. I am going to go ahead and assume all of my readers are the type that actually follow their resolutions for longer than a month. This means that I am not better than you, but that the collective WE are much better than the rest of the non-resolution, non-f.a.r.-reading, Americans. WE are in the top 18% of the people in America. Unfortunately, that also means that only 18% of America reads this blog...or more dire yet, it means that there are only a possible 18% of Americans that do read this blog, and that of that 18%, only a small percentage is reading, in which case I should probably open my readership to people who don't make new year's resolutions....OR...you could all talk to your friends and encourage them to make it their new year's resolution to read this blog. That way, I am not only improving my readership, I am also making the world a better place, one entry at a time. This is a complicated scheme...not quite like a Ponzi scheme, but probably the blog-world's equivalent.

So what is my resolution? To post a new blog entry at least 2 times per week...AND, to add an additional writer very soon. So to recap: If I do not follow my new year's resolution, you and your friends cannot possibly follow yours, meaning I am single-handedly responsible for making the world a better, more resolution-following place. Challenging? Perhaps.

Binghamton College Welcomes NY's Biggest Loser
I'm sure a strong argument can be made for the purpose of the Boy Scouts. I'm sure that they teach lifelong lessons, promote good values, and are more than just the butt of a lot of jokes. Believe it or not, I myself was once a Cub Scout...kind of like the farm system for the Boy Scouts, where the cream of the boy scout crop rises to the top, only to make their way to the real world (middle school) where they are ridiculed until the realize that boy scouts are like the minor leagues for tech departments. Luckily, I never made it to the boy scouts. Sometime after I had to dress up as a lion and jump through fake hoops of fire at a mock circus for Cub Scouts, I realized that I was A) not boy scout material; B) heterosexual; and C) never going to attend Binghamton College.

Ok...so why the odd references to Binghamton, a school that to this point is known best for being the alma mater of ESPN's Tony Kornhieser? Well, the Binghamton Boy Scout club just landed their biggest recruit in decades. According to this article , a teenager from Long Island who undoubtedly wears glasses and believes that getting to third base with a girl has something to do with his kickball league, has just earned all 121 boy scout badges. Shawn Goldstein, the unnamed jerk-off is enrolled as a freshman at Binghamton. According to sources, Goldstein has a great chance to earn the unprecedented 122nd badge, awarded to the college student who can successfully get his ass-kicked for 100 straight days. Good luck, Goldie.

As the article states, he was pushed to achieve the feat by his grandmother, who unfortunately died before he finished. Note to Shawn: when your family members would rather die than see you accomplish this stupid feat, you should get the hint that you should have stopped back when you were a lowly Cub Scout building bird-feeders out of firewood.

Lunch Lady Land

2008-08-10T19:56:00.003-04:00

Everything is not alright down here in Lunch Lady Land.

Late last week, my high school lunch lady passed away. While to many people, the lunch lady is nothing more than a crude old woman whose horrid physical features are only slightly better than her rancid breath, my lunch lady was different. She had the ability to make kids forget about the test that they just failed by offering them an extra scoop of macaroni and cheese. She could make mini corn dogs sound appetizing even after calling them "freshman weinies". She could make you believe that she stayed up all night cutting potatoes for the world's best scalloped potatoes, even though your mom told you that they came from Gordon's Food Service. She could make your day by saving you a cup of orange jello, without the gross whipped cream on top. She could make you believe that curly fries were a delicacy only to be experienced on Friday's, and should always accompany nachos. My lunch lady would give you a hug after sporting events, brag about "her boys" (meaning most of the student body), give every minute of her spare time back to the school as a volunteer, work for 40 years even though she could retire after 30, bake the best cinnamon rolls in the world, and do it all while smiling.

We were truly blessed. We knew it, we loved it, and now we miss it.

We had a strange tradition of always singing happy birthday to the lunch lady. It was the only way she would accept recognition. I bet we sang happy birthday to her 10 times a year. Considering all of the people who count her as a friend, she must have lived to be as old as her happy birthday choir suggested. Happy Birthday, Mrs. B, one more time.

Now....because I don't want you to think that this is a blog that you should walk away from with a tear in your eye, enjoy Adam Sandler's rendition of "Lunch Lady Land".

As for the comments today, feel free to tell me about your lunch lady. If you claim that yours was better, I will hunt you down and fight you with a spatula.

You Gotta Know When to Fold Em...

2008-08-04T11:19:00.002-04:00

A few different "time to call it quits" stories to start your work week...

Hey Fatso: According to this article on www.boston.com, a 44o-pound man was ejected from an Atlantic City casino because he smelled like a fridge full of rotten meat. After playing poker for 17 straight hours, the people at his table started complaining about his rancid stench. When he got up to go to the bathroom, he was kindly asked not to return. Moments later, he was escorted to the parking lot where he was hosed down by the local fire department, laughed at by skunks, and given a lifetime supply (1 bar) of soap. Ok, so I made that last part up...but, seriously. The guy had the audacity to ask for a free room at the casino so that he could go and freshen up. A free room? If you have been playing for 17 straight hours, you either A) have enough money to afford a room; B) have been winning enough that the casino offers to comp your room; or C) are drunk enough that they give you a nice little room called the drunk tank. In the last line of the article, the man insists that he would like an apology. How's this?: The whole world is sorry that you are so fat that 17 hours of inactivity causes you to smell like decomposing roadkill on a 95 degree day. Our bad.

Hey Fatso, Animal Division: In an article in USA Today, a 44 pound cat is in search of a home after it was left behind when its previous owners' home was foreclosed. The aptly named Princess Chunk has appeared on Live With Regis and Kelly in an effort to find a loving home.

Ok...so the owners of this cat couldn't afford to pay their mortgage, but they had enough money to continue to feed a forty-freakin-four pound cat?!? How's 'bout you take the Chunkster for a nice little ride into the country...I'm guessing it wouldn't starve! Home foreclosure is a serious topic, so I don't intend to rip on this family too much, but c'mon! Your cat is approaching a record weight and you keep feeding it like it is a slot machine occupied by a 440 pound man in an Atlantic City casino. Reality check, folks.

As for the cat...go on a diet. Must. Stop. Eating.

And Finally...: I think everyone reaches a time in their life where they decide that it is either time to call it quits, or stand up and stab a man over a few cans of Natural Light. In this story straight from the redneck-haven of Alabama, two drinking buddies got into a fight when one man gave his friend $10 to buy some beer. When the 37 year old man returned with 4 cans of Natural Light, his 64 year old friend was so angry that he stabbed man, sending him to a local hospital.

As a bit of advice to my readers, if you find that you are 64 years old and still drinking Natural Light, stab yourself. At the very least, class it up a little and go for the Natural Ice. Same shitty taste, but a higher alcohol content.

Hokay...that's all from me for today. I'm off to buy a case of Natural Light, and head home to pet my 44 pound cat while I play 17 hours of internet poker.

I've Got Talent and So Do You

2008-07-30T14:10:00.005-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I was driving around in my car and I heard a song come on radio where the singer was going on and on about all the things that he could do. By now, I'm sure you have heard the song...if not listen below (as a sidenote, how cool is it that I can embed music?! I am a html genius):

So anyway, at first I found the song to be quite annoying, but now it has me thinking. If I had the ability to make millions of dollars reciting a list of things that I am able to do, where would I begin? I certainly would not start with the fact that I can ride a bike with no handlebars. I would probably start with something a little more cool, like, "I can eat my popcorn with no salt."

In any event, I'll be working on a list of things that I can do and soon will publish an entire blog in the spirit of the song by the Flobots. In the meantime, let me know what you can do that is so cool...maybe I'll just make one song with all of the things that my readers and I can do.

A Plug: I did download the entire album by the Flobots called "Fight With Tools". While at first I was skeptical, it turns out that it is a pretty good album.

Would You Like Fries With That?

2008-07-29T12:55:00.002-04:00

The philosophy of the "drive thru" has given way to some of the greatest means of avoiding personal contact in human history. Thanks to drive-thru's, people can talk to a machine drive around a building and grab a bag of hot, stomach acid resistant, salty McDonald's french fries and begin stuffing their face with four fries at a time without even pausing to realize that they are often so hot that they are burning off a layer of taste buds in the process. Thanks to drive-thru's, people can drive up to a machine, punch in a secret code (most likely their birthday, phone number, or address) and have said machine spit out money. Thanks to drive-thru's, people can pull up to a window, whisper something about needing a prescription for Viagra, and be offered a bag full of long-lasting erection goodness.

On the 8th day, God created the drive-thru...and it was good.

The drive-thru certainly was good...at least until this past Sunday.

In little Mt. Morris, Michigan, the Cathedral of Faith Church of God in Christ offered a Drive-Thru Prayer Service. In addition to already being a church of suspected sinners for the ridiculously long name of their congregation, the COFCOGIC is now certainly being added to the naughty list for their latest antics.

Being raised Catholic, I am naturally a bit skeptical that one can get a drive-thru blessing. In fact, if a Catholic decided to pull through the line, they are probably now suffering from massive guilt over their decision to do so. Even for the non-Catholic Christians, this has to sound a little fishy.

I'll stop now before this turns into a religious rant, but seriously...drive-thru churches? Could this be the sign of the apocalypse?

On a related note: I am still a little pissed at drive-thru's for the recent shenanigans of my local McDonald's. I went through the drive-thru and ordered a 10-piece Chicken Select for $7.99. My wife and I were going to have the chicken on a salad as our lunch for the day, and we were actually quite excited because we hadn't eaten fast food in quite a few months. Anyway, when I got home I opened the bag to find 10 Chicken McNuggets inside. 10 McNuggets would cost $2.50 and they don't taste nearly as good as Chicken Selects. I was beyond pissed, but wasn't prepared to drive back to Mickey D's. Sure, some people say that I should have checked the bag before I left. Those people should be shot. I believe in personal responsibility...those personal responsible for screwing up will be dealt with. On my next trip to Ronald's place, I am stealing 100 salt and pepper packets as a means of retribution. Take that corporate America!

COPS Couldn't Script This Story

2008-07-25T07:00:00.002-04:00

I received an email a few weeks ago from a friend who has a cousin that is a police officer in Texas. The following is a copy of an email sent by the officer, explaining his crazy night in Houston. It isn't my writing, but the story is too good to keep to myself. Enjoy!

*******Begin forwarded message*********

So,

The other night my partner and I were driving around looking to fight some crime when we saw that another police car was in the middle of a traffic stop about a block away. We drove by to make sure there weren't any problems and were then planning on resuming our hunt for criminals. As we got closer I saw one guy on the left hand sidewalk, a woman sitting on the curb on the rightside and a black female dwarf standing near the rear of the car the officers had pulled over. My partner, who apparently has a dwarf fixation, excitedly told me, 'Oh fuck yeah. We've got to stop and check this out dude.'

As I put our car into Park, I saw that one of my co-workers had his taser out and aimed at the driver of the car. My partner went to assist him getting the driver out and I handcuffed the guy that had been standing on the sidewalk. As I was searching my guy I guess the other officers handcuffed the dwarf with her hands behind her back, which I guess is incredibly painful for them due to their stunted arms, because she just started motherfucking all of us. She let us know that we were racist, that her uncle is the 'chief over all this shit' and would be hearing about the injustice we were inflicting on her and that, while she is an ardent Obama supporter, she doubted that we had cast our vote for him in the recent Texas Democratic primary.

Remembering a CSI episode I had seen that dealt in a roundabout way with dwarf anatomy (the episode mainly dealt with how easy they are to kill because of their skeletal deformities and not how to safely restrain one) I realized it was probably a mistake to handcuff her with her hands behind her back, so I asked her if she would like me to fix it so her hands could be in front. Of course she refused and I'm pretty sure she called me a name or two. But, I decided this would probably be the best way to shut her up so I did it anyway. This took away her primary complaint and she was quiet for a few minutes while we processed the scene and my partner and I found out what had happened before we stopped.

The other two officers had pulled this car over for some minor traffic violation and as they walked up the driver, who thought he was being sneaky, spit a small bag of powder cocaine out of the window, hoping that the police that pulled him over were blind, I guess. Also, the front passenger (the normal sized female sitting on the curb when we arrived) had her hand inside her shirt and appeared to be either scratching her left tit when the officers walked up or, more likely shoving something up her bra. So, the other officers detained everyone and made the mistake of handcuffing the loudest dwarf in Houston.

Now that we were all caught up on what had happened, we helped search the car and waited for a female officer to arrive so the normal sized woman could be searched. As we were waiting, the dwarf faked a fainting spell and fell to the street. I almost lost my composure at this point as I thought, 'My God. What choices did I make in life that caused me to be here, in shitville southeast Houston standing over an unconscious dwarf at 330 in the morning? At one point I could have worked a nice white collar office job with regular hours. How did I get so lucky?' Now, in addition to waiting for the female officer to arrive, we also had to wait for an ambulance to come out and check out our dwarf. The female officer, a rookie riding with a veteran officer, showed up first. I'm embarrassed to say the veteran officer acted like he had never been on a scene with an unconscious female dwarf laying in the middle of the street before. He made some comment like, 'Holy shit! What the fuck is that?' This got no reaction from the unconscious dwarfen victim of our racist police tactics and the shortcomings in our handcuffing training.

However, when he started calling her an 'Ooompah Looompah,' she miraculously awoke from her temporary coma and started motherfucking him. Since this officer was black she couldn't play the race card and resorted to calling him a homosexual whose mother didn't raise him to respect women. He replied that she wasn't a woman she was some sort of freak. They continued their ever downward spiralling exchange until the ambulance arrived. The paramedics asked her if she needed to go to the hospital and before she could reply, the veteran officer said, 'Fuck no she doesn't need to go to the hospital, she needs to go to the fucking circus!'

At that point my partner and I fled, hoping that none of the people involved will name us in the upcoming Internal Affiars investigation.

********End forwarded message**********

Aside from a little profanity, that may possibly be the best story ever written by someone other than me. Awesome.

Sex Education 101: Gender

2008-07-24T10:35:00.002-04:00

I know this is an old story, but I neglected coverage of it a few weeks ago. This one really drives me crazy. By now, I'm sure you have heard the story about the "man" who delivered a baby. Don't know what I am talking about? If not, crawl out of your hole and read this article.

Before you continue reading, close your eyes and think back to the first day of sex ed. Repeat this phrase a few times in your head: Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. Apologies for the vulgarity, but that is a very important element to this story.

From the minute I heard about this, I have been irate over the media's fascination with the story. If I recall correctly, it goes something like this:

Beautiful woman wants to be a man.
Beautiful woman has breasts removed.
Beautiful woman cuts her hair short and calls herself a man.
No-longer-beautiful woman gets pregnant.
No-longer-beautiful-woman-dressing-as-a-man declares herself the first man to be pregnant.
Media bites.
Media reports the first ever case of a male pregnancy.
Woman has baby.

If you are following along, the woman got a haircut and a breast removal. For all of you that passed 5th grade sex education courses, you will note that there is still one very prominent feature that is stopping this woman from actually being a man. She has a VAGINA! The woman still has all of her female reproductive organs. Should we be shocked that she has the ability to get pregnant?

If a drag queen shows up at a hospital for the delivery of his baby, puffs on a cigar claiming "It's a boy!", does the media come running to celebrate the first female-female pregnancy? Does every major news magazine feature half-naked pictures of the drag queen showing how beautiful he can make himself look as a woman? Does it matter that he still has male genitalia?

This woman makes me want to throw up a meal of macaroni and cheese mixed with ramen noodles, eat my own vomit, and wash it all down with a glass of baking soda and vinegar just to see if I can do it all again.

Don't get me wrong...I am not the least bit bothered by her wantonness to be a man, her connection to masculinity, or her desire to eventually complete the sex change process. HOWEVA, it does rub me the wrong way that she wants, loves, and seemingly needs the attention for her and her baby. At this point in time, you are a woman!

Ok, ok, ok. I really do not mean to offend any of my loyal readers. I hope you accept my rant whether you love it, hate it, or just don't care. As of right now, I will no longer spend one second of my life thinking about this story. Done. O-V-E-R finished.

As long as you're just sittin' here, just wastin' time...

2008-07-23T12:04:00.007-04:00

Only a quick post today, but a fun one...

My morning radio show was talking about Kid Rock and his website, so I decided to log on to www.kidrock.com and I discovered this piece of video hilarity. The following is Kid Rock's stance on media piracy:

Great stuff.

NBA Jams Rules Do Not Apply Here

2008-07-22T11:41:00.003-04:00

I report this story today with a tear in my eye and a pain in my lower region.

As the story goes, two men decided that because their friend was PTFO'd, they would splash his private parts with cologne and set the man on fire. Those crazy kids in San Luis Obispo, California are now facing jail time, and the literal "fire-crotch" is facing scorched testicles.

When the victim was reached by FAR for comment, he questioned, "What the hell was I doing drinking near LA?"

It seems somewhat curious that the drunken man with the crotch of the heat-mizer would not notice that his friends took his pants and underwear off of him, covered his manhood in cologne, and set his unit on fire. Was he already naked? If so, why? What kind of party was this? Maybe a few more details would be helpful...

In details that were not previously released to the press, the three friends had spent the night boozing (ok, so that word was used in the article, but it is such a perfect phrase, I couldn't resist) while playing the classic video game NBA Jams. As the night progressed, the victim continued to brag to his friends saying, "I'm heating up! I'm on fire!" The two fire-starters had a anger burning inside them throughout the night and when hot pants finally passed out, they decided to make fiction mimic reality. Grabbing a nearby bottle of Sex Panther cologne, they doused their friend in the junk, set him ablaze, and yelled, "Who's on fire now, biatch?!"

As I mentioned, the perps received jail time, but I feel like they still get the last laugh. Ol' burnt balls has to live with his pain...forever.

What would be a proper punishment for these guys? I'll make one suggestion, but I would also love to hear your ideas...

My idea? Make the guys wear shirts everyday that say "I light men's penises on fire...for fun." With the shirts on, the men would first have to survive their jail sentence and then work for a professional sports team as a shower attendant. I would bet that the men in the locker room wouldn't take to kindly to a couple of guys watching them shower while trying to size up their next victim.

Leave your ideas in the comments...

P.S. A follow up to the story about the city in New Mexico being for sale, it did sell at auction last week. The price? $1.55 million.

Is this heaven?

2008-07-21T12:37:00.002-04:00

Five bonus points awarded to anyone who read the subject line of this post and answered, "No, it's Iowa." To receive your prize, simply click on the ad link on the lower left side of this blog...you may have to click a few times to get your prize.

Anyway...Iowa is the topic of today's post, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

A friend from Iowa emailed me a story about a recent football recruit for the Iowa football team and his off-season "training" program. Here's the story.

In said story, future Hawkeye Riley Reiff led police on a high-speed game of freeze tag...while he was intoxicated...disoriented...and, naked. Riley, Riley, Riley. How many times has your mother told you that you must wear pants when drinking and running?!?

You remember the commercials about quitting smoking? You know, the one where the person is having a hard time remembering how to do simple tasks without a cigarette? Riley reminds me a lot of that commercial. My best guess is that Riley is having trouble kicking the habit, so he simple forgot that he is supposed to wear clothes in public, jog sober, stop for police, and all of the other little things that normal people know.

On a related note, Iowa may have lost a very good football player. Honestly...this defensive lineman outran the police for 20 MINUTES! I don't know if I am more impressed at the athleticism of the drunk or the lack of athleticism of the police force. Eight cops couldn't round up one drunk officer in 20 minutes? Isn't this sorta like what the red and blue do in Iowa to become police officers? Of course, in their training they practice rounding up livestock, but really...8 vs. 1. Twenty minutes.

The football program in Iowa has really been quite stellar lately. In addition to rivaling the recent success of Notre Dame over the past 3 seasons, Iowa has had more legal trouble than Jay-Z has problems (99 if you are counting...). Over fifteen members of the football team have been in some sort of delinquency; at least six have been kicked off the team. There's an old joke about their situation that goes something like this:

A woman in Iowa City calls the police. "Officer," she says, "You have to help me. Someone is breaking into my house!" The officer replies, "I'm sorry ma'am. We are a little busy right now. If you could just write down his jersey number, we'll get back to you in the morning."

So great job, Iowa. Instead of being that quiet little state in the middle of the country that no one really gives a damn about, you are going and making a name for yourselves. Remember, not all attention is good attention.

I'm sure there is much more to say on this story, but I'll let you all take care of it in the comments...

A Few Short Stories...

2008-07-16T10:11:00.002-04:00

Welcome back my friends to another exciting edition of "What is Going on in Michael's Head?".

To start, I told you a couple of days ago that I would tell you about an opportunity to but some good, cheap land. USA Today has an article in their off-beat news section about an entire town that is for sale. The article is here. Evidently, White's City, New Mexico, all 366 acres, is being auctioned off! Now, since I have only made $3.54 on this blog, I cannot afford to buy the entire town...I wonder if they would sell me a road?

The story is quite interesting and worth a read, but it made me think about a story that my family tells about my dad. In the town where I grew up, there is a neighboring town called Orleans. As the story goes, my dad and his friends once had the grand idea that they were going to save enough money to buy the township of Orleans. Why? In there master scheme, the town would be renamed "New Orleans". That was their sole purpose for planning their purchase.

No one ever told me if their idea was born out of the ideals of British colonization, or it it was brewed deep in the heart of Milwaukee or St. Louis, perhaps near a brewery. In any event, the plan never came to fruition. The town is still Orleans, and it is still not for sale.

Switching gears, I am currently attending a conference for my job as a teacher. Teachers are generally poor learners. We sit and listen to the lecturer, constantly thinking about how we would do the job better and the people in attendance would learn much more. Regardless, thanks to a small event today, the conference just got a little bit better...

While reading a story called "Clay" by celebrated Irish author James Joyce, the instructor asked if anyone knew where the character Maria lives. A loud-mouthed woman sitting across the room shouted, "I know, she lived with a bunch of prostitutes." The teacher, with a smug little grin on her face replied, "Actually, she lived with Protestants, not prostitutes." Seizing the ultimate opportunity, I spoke up, saying, "What are we going to split hairs here? Prostitute, Protestant. Tomato, tomato." For some reason, that wasn't completely well received...

Finally, one more little anecdote...one of the guys that I am working with is named Bobby Bouchey. No joke. How can I not ask him about his momma???

Get In While the Gettin's Good

2008-07-14T15:25:00.003-04:00

Due to the abundant amount of success already experienced by this blog, just weeks into its infancy, I think the time has come to take this blog to the next level.

Let me explain...

In just under two months of blogging, I have been handsomely paid due to the patronage of my readers. Because I have added advertisements to the blog, I have already earned a grand total of 186....pennies. That's right! I have made $1.86 because of all of you who click on the ads on the left side of my site. Thank you for your kindness and generosity! If you haven't started clicking on the adds, click away...you are all personally responsible for my second income.

Now, how do we make this $1.86 turn into much, much more?

Today, I offer each of you to get in on the proverbial ground level of this blog. If you would like to become a guest columnist, featured writer, or regular contributor, I would love to expand the reading base of FAR. If you are interested in writing for Fairly Accurately Rated, get in touch with me via a comment or email, submit a writing sample (or tell me that you can write), and you can stake your claim to some of my great earnings.

Here's the thing....like me, you have nothing to lose. I have made money simply by posting my thoughts. If you want to do the same, and, in the process witness the booming success of this blog, the time to join is now!

Seriously...if you want to write, let me know. The more contributors, the more readers, the more money, the more fame, the more opportunity to spontaneously make it rain in all of the top clubs in the world.

***********

Ok...tomorrow I return to my normal writing. No more soliciting more writers. Tomorrow I will tell you about your chance to use the money made by writing on this blog to buy yourself a town....no kidding.

WTF Is Wrong With People?

2008-07-11T22:18:00.002-04:00

I heard about a story the other day where drivers in North Carolina were outraged over the new lettering combinations on their license plates. According to this story, the new pieces of convict artwork displayed on cars in Raleigh, NC begin with the letters "WTF". Apparently, the misplaced metal acronym was not an isolated incident, as over 10,000 drivers in the Tar Heel state have been asking the cars in their rear-view mirror the same three-word question: Where's the fudge?

Wait a minute...what? You mean...no....that isn't the correct acronym? WTF stands for what?

Who knew.

Ok, so by now it is abundantly obvious to everyone this side of John McCain that WTF is not an initialism for the location of Murdick's tasty treat. Rather, WTF stands for...well, you know.

So people are driving around with a license plate that asks "What the fornication?" is going on. Is this really the end of the world? Are we now a nation so caught up in the texting generation that we have become offended by an otherwise meaningless three letter combination? The great folks in the state of North Carolina do realize that the process of making license plates involves a completely random assignment of letters covering hundreds of thousands of letter and number combos, right? Are we now to the point where we have to run to the DMV or Secretary of State and complain every time we receive a license plate with the letters LOL, BRB, STFU, or the number 666, 911, or 007? Have we become this over-sensitive to the small details?

I remember reading a story about a similar situation in Bay City, Michigan where drivers in the thumb were up in arms after receiving license plates with the letters BAD in their 7-letter identification. The people there were actually afraid that their peers would believe that if they had BAD on their car that it was actually a sign from the state that the car was being operated by a bad driver. Seriously?!? In the article (which I can no longer track down), one woman even likened the letters to a modern-day scarlet letter. Are you kidding me?

Listen people...even though you want to attach some sentimental meaning, deeper thought, or otherwise inane psycho-babble to the letters and numbers on your license plate, no one really gives a damn (nor should they) about whether or not you are satisfied with what is on the back of your car. Not happy with being dubbed DUM 001? Irked that your moniker is N0T STR8? Disturbed that you are known at work as the guy with 2SM4U on your car? Tough. If you don't like your plate, pony up the money for a vanity plate. Otherwise, accept the quirkiness of life for what it is. Enjoy the fact that there is still a place for randomness to rear its hilarious little head every now and again.

In the meantime, enjoy a little smattering of funny license plates....should be enough to keep you entertained until my next blog.

Everybody Moved to the Back of the Bus

2008-07-10T07:00:00.002-04:00

Apparently, what happens in Vegas only stays in Vegas unless it is so completely filled with ridiculousness and hilarity that it absolutely must make its way to the blogosphere.

According to a story in the Las Vegas Review Journal, a naked man hijacked a Citizens Area Transit Bus on Tuesday. 35 year-0ld Charles P. Sell is the bare naked bandit who made his way on to the bus and into criminal lore during his 200 yards of fame.

This is truly a great story. No Clothes Charlie "was possibly on drugs" according to police and only boarded the bus after first stopping at the nearby 7-11 to steal a bottle of beer. Possibly on drugs? Let's look at the definition of "possibly":

1. Capable of happening, existing, or being true without contradicting proven facts, laws, or circumstances.
2. Capable of occurring or being done without offense to character, nature, or custom.
3. Capable of favorable development; potential: a possible site for the new capital.
4. Of uncertain likelihood.

Ok, ok...so I guess there could be contradicting proven facts that state that CP Sell-your-clothes was not on drugs. I guess we are not 100% certain that Charles "P is for Pantless" Sell was on some sort of drug. I guess the potential exists that No Shirt, No Pant, No Problem was not under the influence of anything more than stupidity.

HOWEVA...this is probably a case where police can go out on a limb and release the following statement:

"Dude was straight trippin'," police said. "Charlie was higher than Fat Albert's blood pressure after wrestling a burger away from Mushmouth. He had more drugs in his system than Paris Hilton has STD's."

I like that better.

Another puzzling aspect of the story are the criminal charges applied to Chuck. The charges include felony charges of robbery, grand larceny and malicious destruction of private property.

Nothing about indecent exposure? If any of you have ever had the pleasure of relying on public transportation, you know that in just 200 yards, this bus bounced more than than a 25-cent bouncy ball in a classroom full of kindergartners. That said, the idea that Commando Charlie was not charged with indecently exposing his middle initial is stunning.

I always like to try to think of an appropriate sentence for criminals like Buck naked Chuck. This one's easy: send him and his birthday suit to prison for a few days. I would bet that after a couple days in the slammer, he will like the idea of wearing a pair of pants...or maybe even two pair, just an insurance.

Ar-Kansas: America's Canada

2008-07-09T11:13:00.002-04:00

You know how when you were in school there always seemed to be that one kid that tried really hard to be cool, but no matter what the kid did, said kid still ended up being laughed at until, picked on, or otherwise ridiculed? In an international sense, we call that kid Canada. In a national sense, we call that kid Arkansas.

Never mind that I am already a little irritated at Arkansas for bringing us the likes of Bill Clinton and Mike Huckabee, or that they are on the verge of relocating my best friend to the beautiful redneck getaway of Bentonville, or that Razorback fans think that Michigan fans give a damn that Ryan "My Head is Bigger than Charlie Weis' Waistline" Mallett transferred to their school. Those things are mere annoyances about the cute little kid named Arkansas that I am willing to look beyond, mostly because Arkansas is still so much fun to laugh at that I really can't get too mad at them for anything. You see, if you get too mad at that kid, they will stop trying to be part of the cool crowd, realize their place, and eventually buy black trench coats and go Columbine (too soon?) on all our asses. As Americans, we want to keep Arkansas right where they are...nestled deep within the bowels of America, close enough to civilization that they still believe in themselves, and given the occasional recognition, only to have it ripped away at a moments notice by their next surprising act of stupidity.

So where is this rant going? Check out this article.

Cute little Ar-Kansas was duped into believing that the Four States Fair Grounds in Texarkana would be host to cage fighting whilst sipping away at $1 Milwaukee's Best Lights. Instead, Sacha Baron Cohen decided that the good ol' boys in the solid south might get a little laugh if instead of wrestling a la Chuck Liddell or Tito Ortiz, the men in the ring would begin a make-out session that would make Britney Spears and Madonna blush. You can only imagine the reaction.

According to the article:

An elaborate array of mounted and handheld video cameras caught the crowd of 1,600's reaction as the two men "went right up to the line" of the city's morality laws, Holland said. The two men stripped down to their underwear, kissed and rubbed on each other, the sergeant said.

The audience, as well as local fighters drawn to take part in the show, became enraged. "It set the crowd off lobbing beers," Holland said. "They had beers in plastic cups. Those things can get some distance on them actually."

A couple of things...

Arkansas has morality laws?
Folks in Arkansas are willing to waste a beer on a couple of kissing men?
The reaction is not about the drunken, homophobic, beer bombardiers, but rather amazement at the distance traveled by plastic cups?

You see what I mean...you can't help but chuckle at little ol' Arkansas.

Thanks for keeping it real down there. Now, if you could only work on adapting your state motto from "Regnat Populus" (the people rule), to something a little more appropriate like "Populus es Fossor".

Is That a Brick in Your Diaper, or...

2008-07-07T12:25:00.003-04:00

I came across a story from a few weeks ago, and even though I am not generally in the business of sharing old news, this was simply too good to pass up. By the way, if you are wondering what business I am generally in, my line of work is the field of being awesome.

Any who...the story is here...for you non-linky folks, the story is about a man who was arrested after police found heroin in his diaper. Apparently, Frank Keys Jr. (no-relation to Alicia Keys) of New Orleans, LA was pulled over for a routine traffic violation when police found over 20 grams of heroin in the diaper that he was wearing. Just wait my friends, this gets better...

So when Dr. Depends was pulled over and searched by the police, according to a news release from the US Attorney's office:

"officers felt a large hard object in the pants area on Keys"

Honestly? That was the direct line from a press release from the office of the United States Attorney. Methinks an intern was assigned an easy task and decided to have a little fun. A large hard object. Not sure about you, but I would definitely assume the object to be heroin, and not, oh, let's say a more common drug like, maybe, viagra.

When Huggies-Bear was asked if there was anything in the diaper, he "shook his head affirmatively." For the record, if a police officer ever notices a large hard object in my diaper, I'm quite sure I would also claim responsibility for having something in my pants.

In the end, Frank "The Heroin Diaper Tank" Keys received 40 years in prison for his little, er, sorry, large hard stunt. I'm still waiting for word on the heroin. One can only hope that it is somehow smuggled into prison and used by Frank's new friends. Frank may drop his soap in the shower, but at least he isn't using diaper heroin like the guys coming after him.

Good times.

Odds, Ends, and Observations

2008-07-03T10:53:00.002-04:00

Welcome Back: Having just returned from a two-week stay in glorious South Africa, I'm sure that I need to mend some relationships with my loyal readers. I know that many of you have been hitting F5 for the last two weeks, hoping and praying that you would find an entry by yours truly. Finally, the good ol' days are back! Well, kind of back...I lost power at home yesterday and it looks like it won't be back for a couple of days. Damn you rain! But still, for the most part, I am back. For you, this means much more reading pleasure, wasted work time, and overall excitement in your life. For me, this means adjusting to the Eastern time zone, finding more stories that are blog-worthy, and praying everyday that I did not contract malaria from the pesky mosquitoes in Mpumalanga, South Africa.

Today, I return with a few short items. Tomorrow, hopefully a good story will cross my path.

Africans Do Not Love Low-Riders: One of the quirky observations that I return with from my time in SA involves the topic of toilets. Fun, I know; however, not so fun when you consider the following: South African toilets are, on average, about 4 inches higher off the ground than American toilets. At first glance, this does not seem like a big deal....BUT, the next time you have to take a seat on a patio of porcelain, try to do so while hovering 12cm higher. Without being too graphic and grotesque, this process puts a completely different strain on your body. Consequently, I do not think that I had regular "business meetings with John" for the last two weeks.

A few additional pieces of lavatory lore... in most South African bathrooms (public and private) there are two rolls of toilet paper, one located on each side of the toilet. Evidently, they cater to the ambidextrous. Said paper also always contains pictures of dogs. By day 4 I found myself longing for the soft little teddy bears or floral designs of the land of the free. No matter how many different water closets I tested, I was always met by man's best friend. As if that is not bizarre enough, perhaps the strangest part of SA toilets (aside from the fact that they do not call bathrooms bathrooms, but rather just toilets) is the fact that a standard toilet bowl has very little water inside and the toilet itself has not one, but two flushing options! That's right...in SA you can choose if you want to flush just a little, or flush a lot. With the touch of a button on the top of the john, you can determine how much of your waste should be flushed away. If anyone knows of a reason that you would only want a small flush, please let me know. As a matter of record, small flushes failed 100% of the time in my clinical trials.

Want to Become a Billionaire?: During my travels, I read and heard that the US dollar is still strong in some places in the world. In South Africa, $1 US is worth $7.5 SA Rand. Awesome exchange, right? Yeah, it's pretty good, unless you consider the crazy, unbelievable exchange rate in Zimbabwe. I actually had to look this up several times to confirm, but as of today, 1 US dollar is the equivalent of over 13 BILLION Zimbabwean dollars. This is completely true. Don't believe me? Check this out. I talked to a guy who ordered pizza in Zimbabwe and the bill was 260 billion dollars! Anyone want to join me on a little trip to Zimbabwe? I'm thinking I can take pennies, make it rain, and be considered the savior of the nation. Crazy.

Finally...: Thanks to those of you who attended my recent wedding. While I generally do not use this blog to talk about my personal life, I will break that rule today to let you all know that the wedding was absolutely wonderful! Thanks for the great laughs, gifts, and for being great people.

I guess that's all for today. I'm sure I'll think of much more to write very soon. If not, I'll plagiarize.

you can bet on it

2008-06-10T12:30:00.002-04:00

This is actually a really cool story. It is pretty hard to criticize a man who has the intestinal fortitude to bet on his own life...and win! According to the story, 58 year old Jon Matthews was given 50-1 odds that he wouldn't live until Christmas. It is now June 10th and Jon-boy is still alive and kickin'. Suffering from cancer, doctors told Jon he had little chance of surviving. As any good ol' Brit would do, Jon immediately went to the book and made a bet.

If you didn't read the story, Jon received 5000 pounds for winning the bet, and promptly declared that he would spend half of it on "booze and fags probably-I don't have anything to lose." Jon also claims that he wouldn't mind bungee jumping.

If you know this blog, you know that I normally find a story and do my best to offer some sort of commentary or criticism. As I said, it is difficult to criticize Jon, so instead...

I've been trying to think of things that I can bet on that seem ridiculous. Like, can I get 10-1 odds that I can eat just one Lay's potato chip? Or, can I get 100-1 odds that I can touch MC Hammer? Maybe I can get 5-1 odds that I can always get what I want?

Today I turn to you, my loyal readers...post a comment explaining what odds you should be able to get for a specific bet. The best comment will win a prize!

Several small steps backward for all mankind...

2008-06-09T12:00:00.002-04:00

Over the weekend I saw some footage of a couple of men trying to climb a skyscraper in Manhattan. I thought maybe I was dreaming, but alas, it is true. Two real life "Spidermen" climbed a 52-story building in an effort to promote whatever radical pieces of stupidity they had plastered to their bodies. The full story is here. If you want to continue reading this blog, it may be important that you have read the story, or at least skimmed over it for hilarity.

Let's start with the comic book reading nerds who left their parents basements early in the morning with the idea that they were going to climb tall buildings and save the world. Apparently, fume-sucking imbecile number one, Alain Roberts, unfurled a banner during his historically stupid climb that read "Global Warming kills more people than a 9/11 every week". First, Alain is a stupid name. Second, isn't global warming a myth? Third, if global warming isn't a myth, should we create a branch of government and start a global war on global warming and hunt global warming down wherever it exists and smoke global warming out of its holes? Good, Alain. You have correctly recognized that the world has a bit of an energy problem. Do you feel better having risked your own pathetic life and getting arrested just to tell people something that they already knew? Do you even realize the increase in global warming harm that you created with your little stunt? The news media, medical support teams, and people that rushed to the scene of your futile display of protest presumably drove to the event sending harmful crap into the atmosphere. Now that I think about it, shouldn't this idiot also be tried for murder?

Now for the second crackpot who attempted the stunt just hours later. According to the article, the man identified himself as Renaldo Clarke...however, no such man exists at the address he provided. Concerned that he may be a copycat, they sent him for psychiatric evaluation. Lemme get this straight. A man climbs a 52 story building and you send him to a shrink, not because he did something astronomically stupid, but because you were worried that he may not be who he says he is? How about the fact that he easily could have fallen to his death? How about the fact that one person was already previously arrested for trying the same stupid stunt? Back to Renaldo...his message was "Malaria No More". No kidding? Someone thinks we should eliminate malaria? Good idea...we should really get on that. Step one: Round up all malaria patients and rid them of the disease. Step two: Kill all mosquitoes. Step three: Nope, that should to it. Now if it were only that easy...

According to a website run by the first guy, he has already climbed 70 skyscrapers throughout the world. Anyone else hoping that he slips and falls on number 71?

Finally, a great quote from one of the on-lookers: "Only in New York. This is why I live in New York."

Ok lady...as pathetic as the greasy haired meth-babies who climb the buildings may be, you are probably equally as disturbed. You live in New York just because you like to see people climb buildings? I guess if this is your rationale, you are in the right place. Lots of tall buildings in NY. Location, location, location. Anyone else hoping that her job gets relocated to rural American where the tallest building is the 2-story apartment above the 7-11?

I do like stories like this. I like them because I realize that people will do a lot of crazy things for a cause...kinda gives you hope in the world that eventually one of these organizations will use their weekly Monday morning meetings to come up with a good idea--hire a new advertising person.

F-You Tetanus

2008-06-06T13:34:00.003-04:00

That's right. You thought you got in a pretty good shot against me, eh Tetanus? Well guess what, you didn't win. I won. I kicked your butt. Cue Beyonce..."I'm a survivor..."

Ok, so I received a tetanus shot on Wednesday. No big deal, right? I mean, c'mon, I have already had shots for Polio, Hepatitis, Typhoid, etc., and everytime, no big deal. However, immediately after the tetanus shot I felt lethargic, achy, dizzy and very tired. After many hours of body aches and a trip to the ER, I am almost back to normal. You may have held me down for a couple of days, tetanus, but in the end, I am much stronger. What did you really expect from a disease called teet-anus?

Sorry for the short post...after a day and a half of sleeping, I have a few other needs to tend to before a long entry. I think you'll live. If you are bored, check out www.bubbatunes.blogspot.com . Enjoy!

Happy Holidays?

2008-06-04T17:54:00.004-04:00

A funny little thing has been happening lately as the overwhelming popularity of this blog began sweeping the nation from NYC to North Liberty, IA and beyond. I am getting fan mail. Not little comments at the end of each post (which is much appreciated), not handwritten letters via the USPS, not wonderful care packages at my doorstep with really cool things like cookies, flowers, or cookies in the shape of flowers. No...but I have been getting a flood (like at least 1 per hour) of emails practically begging me to cover certain stories. Although I can't possibly cover everything (shoot, I can hardly read them all!), I did find one today that really had me laughing, crying, and scratching my noggin like George W. Bush trying to pronounce harassment without giggling like Bill Clinton looking at any women not named Hillary Clinton (you like that? offend everyone and everyone leaves happy...).

Anyway, I received an email reminding me that today is International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression. This is quite possibly the most bizarre day of recognition ever to receive a name. IDICVA, for short, holds the purpose of acknowledging the pain and suffering of children of physical, mental, or emotional abuse. It is not a fundraiser. It is not a preventative or awareness day. It is simply a day for saying, "Hey kids...we know your life has sucked because your strange Uncle Chester, overweight mother, or local playground bully has been a bigger pain in your butt than a window breaking on a would-be prankster in The Netherlands; however, we aren't going to do anything about it. We just want you to know that we know."

To be quite honest, I had to read the name of the holiday a few times in order to completely understand just what/who was receiving the recognition. On most days of recognition, the recognized party receives a little token of appreciation from other members of society. On this day, who gives what to whom? Also, what if a child is a victim of aggression, but has also been aggressive to other children, thus negating their innocence? Look, I'm all for days of recognition, especially those that come with an extra day off, but it may be getting a little out of hand when you can't even recognize who should be receiving the laurels.

To conclude, I'm sorry kiddies. While celebrating this day is probably very meaningful to some, I'm more interested in starting a new holiday/day of recognition. It will be help on June 5th and will be called KTLCOOPWHK Day. We will take to the street and try to put an end to future IDICVA recognition. KTLCOOPWHK? Kick The Living Crap Out Of People Who Hurt Kids. Nobody is safe. A day of reckoning will come. Join me tomorrow for the celebration!

Where is my closet-dwelling fairy?

2008-06-03T12:32:00.005-04:00

Again, I swear I do not go searching for news of the bizarre...it just seems to find me.

Check this out out...

I have heard of having skeletons in your closet, but never have I heard of having living people in your closet! This of course got me to thinking on a few different levels.

First, thank God for his plan with creation. The brilliance behind creating a race of people small enough to live in a closet, complete with a mattress is downright Jonathan Swift-esque. The lilliputian in this story decided that she was small enough not only to hide in a closet, but that she could throw in a mattress and stay for a year! Certainly a similar feat could not be accomplished by Americans, at least not those who coach at a certain school in South Bend. An American trying to fit onto the shelf in an closet is about as absurd as a cheese filtered cigarette--wait, you mean that really exists?!? Nevermind...bottomline, hooray for tiny closet living Japanese women.

Second, how sweet must this closet really be? While many people choose to live in the proverbial closet for years, very few people find a real closet as an acceptable place to live for an extended period of time. I'm thinking there are probably sweet flat screens on the ceiling, sushi dispensers in the walls, and maybe even lickable candy walls like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. If the closet is not equipped with these features, then this woman is off her rocker. If it does come complete with the sweetness trifecta, we are all off our rockers for not having our own magical closet.

Finally, how in the name of Creepy Bojangles can someone live in your house for a year without you having the slightest idea? And, once you do notice, how is it that the lack of food was the tipping point? Evidently this closet was not opened for a year. Also, wouldn't you first check every place in your house before installing cameras that send images to your mobile phone? While the creepy closet lady deserves some sort of punsihment, I think the homeowner has some liability as well. Is stupidity a crime?

I like this story. I really enjoyed reading, laughing, re-reading, and finally stereotyping the people involved. It makes me feel better about myself. Now if you will excuse me, I have heard this strange noise in my trunk for about a week since I let Ted Kennedy borrow my car. Also, my sister is missing. Too soon?

a real life panty raid

2008-06-02T07:50:00.003-04:00

Sometimes a news story crosses my path that needs very little commentary, but deserves so much more discussion. If I hadn't read this story from several credible sources, there is no way I would have believed it...honestly this is a great one.

Now that you have checked the link, let's review. A pair of thieves in Colorado are on the loose after robbing a convenience store wearing women's thongs as masks. After smashing through the store front windows, the men stole cash and cigarettes.

Seriously, you can't make this up in your wildest dreams!

So these crotch-sniffing bandits rob a convenience store at 5am and decide to steal the little bit of cash available and cigarettes?!? How in the name of Joe Camel are you going to smoke a cigarette with a v-cut covering your mouth and nose? Did they even consider their own foolishness? If they had at least considered men's briefs they would have an access hole from which to smoke. Oh, the mindless haste!

Back to the article, check out this quote from Police Spokeswomen Susan Medina:
"There's a plethora of disguises out there: ski masks, character costumes," Medina said. "And, if you're going to wear underwear, certainly there are other kinds that would give you a little more coverage."
Alright, Susie...

When contacted for a comment, the main concern of the police was the coverage of thongs? Correct me if I am wrong, ladies, but isn't the whole idea of a thong is that it provides less coverage? Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Sue. Shouldn't we be more concerned with, 1) the cleanliness of the skivvies; 2) the original owners of the man-made wedgies; or 3) the major drug use that compels one to slip on a pair of whale-tails and rob a convenience store in rural Colorado???

I'm sure that eventually these men will be captured. My only hope is that when it happens they are caught wearing two pair of g-strings and that they have to call their mothers and explain their antics. Also, if anyone can think of an appropriate punishment for the Urine Detectives, please feel free to comment. The only fitting consequence that I can come up with is having to wear their thongs to prison for a few days, but I don't feel that badly for the other prisoners.

PDA (Public Displays of Absurdity)

2008-05-31T10:10:00.003-04:00

I heard about a story recently where a lesbian couple was kicked out of a baseball game in Seattle because they *gasp* had the audacity to kiss each other during the game. The story is here if you are interested...if not, you have to settle for my commentary.

Oh where to begin....

Way back in 1839 when Abner Doubleday created baseball, he did so with only a few specific rules. 1) There shall be no crying in baseball; 2) Baseball shall forever be linked to apple pie; and 3) For the love of God, there shall be no kissing at a baseball game.

If you believe rule number three, you are crazier than my first college roommate who divided his time between dealing drugs, taking drugs, beating up anyone who wasn't like him, making and hanging an effigy of me in our dorm room, and complaining that the original winner on Survivor turned out to be gay. If you believe rule number three, you have also never attended a professional sporting event where "Kiss Cams" seem to pop up at least once during every game, trying to catch unsuspecting couples and force them to kiss publicly on massive projection screens throughout the stadium.

This is yet another example of a story that has me as conflicted as Charlie Weis at an all-you-can-eat buffet where the main entrees are bacon or bacon grease. (As a side note, what would Charlie do? Eat and enjoy the bacon? Soak the bacon in more grease? Eat the grease first and save the bacon for dessert? The possibilities are endless!) Anyway...

Here is my conflict. I really do not enjoy public displays of affection that involve two people locking lips and searching for the tiny bits of food stuck in each others teeth like a bunch of horny little 10th graders locked inside a closet for what is allegedly seven minutes in heaven. Holding hands? Fine. A nice hug? Fine. Arms around each other? Fine. Engaging in a kiss that would make Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson blush? Not okay! However, a little peck here and there...no big deal at all.

Although I do not enjoy some PDA (public displays of affection), I am even more annoyed by the type of absurdity that occurred in Seattle. I'm not sure who to be mad at the most. Maybe I am most mad at the women who complained that a couple kissing breaks her moral code to the extent that the couple needs to leave the stadium immediately. Maybe I am most mad at the Seattle Mariners organization for allowing the will of one women to overrule the will of humanity. Maybe I am even more upset at the creator of kissing cams who felt the need to draw attention to pecking in public. I really don't know.

In short, my conflict is that while I am not a fan of mass make-out sessions, I am even less a fan of stupidity. According to the story and to video, it isn't like this couple was trying to inspect the hangy-balls in each other's throats. They simply gave each other a kiss. Even though people may not like it, that is all it was...a kiss. Grow up disgruntled Mariner fan...get over it.

I'm afraid that this post is a bit disconnected. Not sure how eloquent I was in my explanation. Overall, my message to the public is this: Stop participating in PDA...Public Displays of Absurdity. This is a big world, not everyone is the same, and that is exactly how it should be.

Bee-ware

2008-05-30T10:57:00.004-04:00

The biggest sporting event taking place right now is not the NBA playoffs… it’s not the NHL Stanley Cup Championship… it’s the ultimate novelty “sports” competition… the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I use the term “sports” loosely. Since there is an epic debate over what qualifies as a sporting event, for the purpose of this blog, I will consider any event ESPN broadcasts as a sport. Moving on, this annual competition among adolescents serves as a reminder to the rest of the population how dense we are. I can’t even pronounce half of the contestant’s names yet alone spell the majority of the words used. Whereas most of us would say an animal looks bony or horny, these competitors would say it looked S-C-L-E-R-O-D-E-R-M-A-T-O-U-S.

Since I have no scientifically justifiable way of ranking the contestants I’ll use their names as a way to categorize and group their chances of winning…

The Divine Inspiration/Good Karma Group

It’s hard to bet against someone named Jackson Laurence Crist. You just get the feeling someone up there will be looking out for this kid. Seth D. Keller channels the first deafblind person to graduate college. Although spelling with water is not currently an acceptable spelling method at the competition it doesn’t hurt to have a Helen Keller connection.

The Unintentionally Funny Group

Would Willie Johnson, Cody Aoan Wang, and Bethany Dickey please report to the judge’s table? You have to believe that these kids will have something to prove. By having to deal with their humorous names all their lives they are sure to have a chip on their shoulder and fight back against the spelling world. Who would blame Anqi Dong, Emily Temple-Wood or Elyse Cox for wanting to be known for something other than their last names?

Bonus: How fun would it be to make headlines like “Wang Beats Dickey in Head to Head” or Johnson vs. Dong: Finals Tomorrow

The Degree of Difficulty Group

If you had to spell Avvinash Radakrishnan every day of your life wouldn’t you feel confident you can handle spelling W-A-M-P-U-M-P-E-A-G? When you name your child Maria Isabel Yirebatlya Kubabom you are basically signing them up for this competition at birth. Sathwik Katragadda, Sathiyan Sivakumaran, Nithin Nedumthakady and Shantuanu Vinayak Srivatsa are the rest of the chosen ones.

The Ironic Group

Sorry Brandon R Wise, your name makes you too cocky to win. I have a hunch that Corrine A. Yap will be told to shut it when she loses and complains of unfair treatment.

The Probably Winners/Losers Group

Not every prediction is based on instincts and common sense… Kavya Shivashankar and Sriram Hathwar are favored to win. Hathwar is the youngest competitor in the Bee history. At 8 years old and currently in the 2^nd grade, this kid makes me feel embarrassed that my biggest skill when I was that old was being able to write in cursive. As for the instant loser, sorry Jake Smith but your common name will hold you back from the glory that comes with winning anything significant in life.

The only thing nerdier than being in this competition is watching and following it. I’m realizing this was a waste of time to write and for you to read, so I apologize. Here’s to doing something W-O-R-T-H-W-H-I-L-E!

gif me back my teefh

2008-05-30T07:57:00.003-04:00

Usually, buried out there in the depths of cyberland--not the "over the moon" Cyberland from the musical RENT, just the internet that I have affectionately dubbed Cyberland for the purpose of this entry--anyway, throughout cyberland there are truly great stories that do not receive enough attention. I wish I could find one. Since I still haven't found what I'm looking for, today, I bring you this.

In case you aren't the type to click on links, here is the gist of the story. Women: do not have kids if you enjoy having teeth. Apparently, women who have children lose teeth at an alarming rate. According to the article, each child is worth approximately 2 teeth.

Like most bizarre news, this one has me thinking...

While I am a strong advocate for having teeth, I am also a strong advocate for having children. Oh cruel world...why do you continue to divide and conflict my loyalties?!?!? I truly do not know what to think about this. Do I continue to tell people congratulations when they announce that they are having twins? Or, do I look the mother-to-be square in the eyes and tell her that she may need to consider switching to a liquid diet because she is about to lose her ability to chew? Do I pat the dad on the back and say, "great job!"? Or, do I kick him in the pants and say, "way to go, you jerk!"? Can you sense my inner-turmoil?

As I write, I am now also wondering what happens to all of the teeth. I would bet that a small percentage of the women lose their teeth while they are sleeping. Although on the surface this may seem like a good option, and one that is less traumatic, think about the underlying horrors! Of those women, there must be some that swallow their teeth. Sure, you may not notice it going down, but at some point the pointy little bugger has to come out...again. Also, how awful would it be to wake up and have less teeth to brush?! While it may save you a few minutes in the morning, it may also cause you to look like a complete snaggley-toothed idiot the moment you walk out the door.

I still cannot figure out why I haven't noticed tooth-less women walking around, especially in the Catholic church or Irish pubs. To my knowledge, my mom still has all of her teeth, although she should be down about 4 chompers.

To all of my loyal readers, please conduct a poll over the next few days. I don't want you to embarrass anyone, so please do not come right out and ask people....instead, very creepily try to count the teeth of all of the women around you as you talk. This should be fun...

In summation, I think my next job will be a tooth collector. Sounds like it could be a lucrative business. Also, ladies, keep having kids. However, don't bother brushing your teeth...you probably won't have them for very long anyway.

And so it is...

2008-05-29T12:14:00.000-04:00

This is what it has come to...blogging.

I'm not entirely sure why or how this whole blogging craze started, but here I am embarking on my own blog. While this is mostly for entertainment value (mine, not yours) it may turn into much more than that.

Imagine this:

Here we are, the year 2058. Newspaper and television media no longer exist. All of your important information comes from the internet, much of it from blogs. Celebrating its 50th year of operation, Fairly Accurately Rated is holding a celebration for all of the loyal readers. What kind of celebration? Of course if you have read in the last 50 years, you know exactly what the celebration will look like. You know about all of the stars that will attend, all of the fun that will be had, and all of the good that it will do for the world. Since you already know, I will spare you the details, and simply tell you to enjoy the celebration...it is sure to be legendary. If you haven't been a loyal reader, I'm sorry. I find no need to fill you in on the greatness of this blog if you have chosen to ignore it for the past 50 years. Enjoy your stupid life that doesn't include this blog.

OK...imagination time over.

Think about that...do you want to miss the celebration? So there you go, my first official solicitation for readership. No idea where to go from here, but evidently I have a party to begin planning.